P2 As long as the hurt, disappointment, and unfulfilled needs of your early years remain unconscious, you cannot come to terms with them. No matter how much you may love your parents, an unconscious resentment exists in you, which prevents you from forgiving them for the hurt. You can only forgive and let go if you recognize your deeply hidden hurt and resentment.
P3 Unconsciously you will know how to choose in the partner aspects of the parent who has particularly fallen short in affection and love that is real and genuine. But you also seek in your partner aspects of the other parent who has come closer to meeting your demands. Important as it is to find both parents represented in your partners, it is even more important and more difficult to find those aspects which represent the parent who has particularly disappointed and hurt you, the one more resented or despised and for whom you had little or no love.
So you seek the parents again—in a subtle way that is not always easy to detect, in your marital partners, in your friendships, or in other human relationships. In your subconscious, the following reactions take place: since the child in you cannot let go of the past, cannot come to terms with it, cannot forgive, cannot understand and accept, this very child in you always creates similar conditions, trying to win out in the end in order to finally master the situation instead of succumbing to it. Losing out means being crushed—this must be avoided at all costs.
The costs are high indeed, for the entire strategy is unfeasible. What the child in you sets out to accomplish cannot ever come to realization. The only tragedy lies in the fact that you obstruct your future happiness by continuing to reproduce the situation and then attempting to master it.
P4 You have no idea how preoccupied your subconscious is with the process of reenacting the play, so to speak, only hoping that “this time it will be different.” You have to reexperience the acute pain you once suffered but you pushed out of sight. Take a current problem. Strip it of all the superimposed layers of your reactions. The first and most handy layer is that of rationalization, that of “proving” that others, or situations are at fault, not your innermost conflicts which make you adopt the wrong attitude to the actual problem that confronts you.
The next layer might be anger, resentment, anxiety, frustration. Behind all these reactions you will find the hurt of not being loved. When you experience the hurt of not being loved in your current dilemma, it will serve to reawaken the childhood hurt. While you face the present hurt, think back and try to reconsider the situation with your parents: what they gave you, how you really felt about them.
You will become aware that in many ways you lacked a certain something you never clearly saw before—you did not want to see it. Now, reevaluate your present hurt, comparing it with the childhood hurt. At last you will clearly see how it is one and the same. No matter how true and understandable your present pain is, it is nevertheless the same childhood pain. A little later you will come to see how you contributed to bringing about the present pain because of your desire to correct the childhood hurt.
P5 When you feel the similarities, while at the same time experiencing the pain of now and the pain of then, you will slowly come to understand how you thought you had to choose the current situation because deep inside you could not possibly admit “defeat.” You have to allow yourself to feel the pain of certain unfulfillments now and also the pain of the unfulfillment of your childhood, then compare the two until, like two separate picture slides, they gradually move into focus and become one.
P6 QUESTION: Is it reality that this particular person has these trends? Or is it projection and response? ANSWER: It can be both and it can be either. In fact, most of the time it is a combination. Certain aspects are unconsciously looked for and found and they are actually similar. But the existing similarities are enhanced by the person who is doing the recreation. They are not only projected qualities, “seen” while they are not really there, but are latent in some degree without being manifested.
These are encouraged and strongly brought to the fore by the attitude of the person with the unrecognized inner problem. He or she fosters something in the other person by provoking the reaction that is similar to the parent’s. The provocation, which of course is entirely unconscious, is a very strong factor here. The most outstanding would be a similar kind of immaturity and incapacity to love. Your fear, your self-punishment, your frustration, your anger, your hostility, your withdrawal from giving out love and affection, all these trends of the child in you constantly provoke the other person and enhance a response coming from that part which is weak and immature.
However, a more mature person will affect others differently and will bring out that in them which is mature and whole, for there is no person who does not have some mature aspects.
P7 Intellectual maturity is your capacity to think, to judge, to evaluate, to discriminate, to form concepts, to plan, to use your will, to use your mind, to make decisions, to utilize your assets, to direct your life and, last but not least, to educate or reeducate the childish emotions by implanting your own concepts that you have arrived at independently, by thinking things through. Not because others have said so, but because you deliberated on them and thereby made them your own. Thus your intellect can influence your emotions through your capacity to think.
P8 Of course, a halfway intellectually mature person will find adequate reasons to hide this emotional reaction and subjectivity. That is what is called rationalization. Thus an intellectually mature person will find reasons and explanations for his irrational, emotional, subjective behavior or attitude.
Does one subconscious hear the screaming of the other? Is that why one feels the hostility emanating from the other person? ANSWER: Yes. That is why I always say that your subconscious affects the subconscious of the other person. You go through life resenting other people because they do not respond to your outer actions. You yourself are unaware of what your inner actions are. Your inner actions or reactions are accurately perceived by your fellow human beings and they react to that part of yourself. Their souls hear that voice or perceive it with other inner sense organs of hearing, seeing, smelling, tasting. That is why the subconscious of one affects the subconscious of the other.
So often, people feel unjustly treated when they know their actions were quite all right. They concentrate on all their outer right actions but leave out the inner unconscious motivations which exist in addition to the conscious and proper outer ones. If you learn to be utterly honest with yourself and acknowledge your hidden motivations and feelings, you will then understand why other people react to you as they do and you will no longer consider yourself the victim of injustice.
P9 As you truly perceive such a mutual interplay, it will relieve the feeling of isolation and guilt you all are burdened with. You are constantly fluctuating between your guilt and your accusation of injustice you direct at those around you. Allow yourself to see what you really feel and why. It will have a very calming effect. You will have made peace with yourself by accepting your still existing imperfections and will no longer harrow yourself trying for a perfection that you cannot possibly attain at the moment. Once you accept the reality of your imperfect self, the resulting hurts will no longer be so serious and tragic.
—The Pathwork® Guide