P1 Understanding the need for communication and cooperation on the physical level will make you realize that mental, emotional, and spiritual subsistence is necessarily just as dependent on cooperation and communication. You know that the same laws hold true for all levels of existence.
P2 For instance, the effect of aggressive communication must be that the other soul withdraws, because the corresponding inner forces restrict, and seem to reject, the overeager attempt at communication. You will now understand that such overeagerness is a distortion, because the urgency of your need is not in truth. It is imaginary and, as the word implies, comes out of your images, conflicts, and distortions.
In your unconscious you believe you must have love, affection, and attention. It is not a question of desiring them in healthy mutuality; there is in you a one-sided childish demand as though your very life were at stake. You will understand that your childish, exaggerated craving has nothing to do with healthy love, and that the former is actually the reason for the unhealthy impact and subsequent rejection.
P3 Once you fully understand this, you will no longer need to protect yourself from hurt and disappointment when you do love, nor will you need to guard against loving. Only your personal work—your personal search for these deviations, distortions, and errors—will show you the truth of these laws. The truth is that outer events seemingly unrelated to your inner state are actually the very effects that you set in motion.
As you know from my previous talks with you, this need comes, in one variation or another, from your childhood disappointments. You still have not come to terms with them and still try to overcome them by further exaggerating the need because you are driven by your unconscious reactions and motivations. Once you fully see and understand what is happening in you and subsequently become able to let go of the exaggerated need, you will find that need to be an illusion. You sabotage communication either by frightening the tentative feelers of the other soul back into withdrawal, or by insisting on your own isolation and refusing to risk your way out of it. You erect a wall around you, be it ever so subtle.
This law always works. As you give out, so must it be returned unto you. They (people) begin to communicate truly instead of merely subsisting on mutual dependency and need. In this state one fulfills the need of the other in order to get his or her own need fulfilled. This is now the interrelationship of most human beings.
P4 Something in you senses the exaggeration and is ashamed of it. You know that something is wrong about it. You also unconsciously feel humiliated by the constant nagging desire that can never be fulfilled, because it has been wildly exaggerated, and therefore you put it out of sight. You also dislike yourself for your dependency, which makes you feel helpless before those to whom you feel you must submit to get your need fulfilled.
As a result, you may have an opposite outer reaction of extreme and ungenuine “independence.” One such measure is the submissiveness—sometimes very subtle—with which you sell your soul in order to get love. Only very close analysis and insight will show you that this craving has nothing to do with real love, and that, while you are using it, no real communication can be established.
Another such measure is aggression, to which you resort as a protection against the vulnerability of the underlying submissive aspect. I have also talked about how you artificially overdramatize your life, your emotions, and everything pertaining to your person. You hope by all these measures either to gain what you want, or to protect yourself against the disappointment and frustration of not getting what you want. This healthy interdependence, however, can exist only if you are truly independent—not of the other person, but of your own distorted need and urgency.
P5 Such an unhealthy relationship (one fulfills the need of the other in order to get his or her own need fulfilled) is based on bargaining and the interplay of submissive and domineering attitudes. Either attitude can be dominant in one partner, or they may alternate in both at various phases of the relationship. Free interaction on the part of both partners is the mark of a healthy relationship. There is no rule or formula.
You may develop the best theories and believe them with your mind, but your feelings may deviate completely. The only way you can discover the truth is through the work you do on this path, facing and examining your feelings and reactions, and understanding their significance by tracing them to their roots. Behind all negative, disturbing, and disharmonious feelings must be some original wish and its frustration. When you find this, you can determine how real or how illusory the wish is.
Only after you are able to comprehend fully the immature and distorted emotions can you attain the healthy ones. You will be able to see where they may already exist to some extent, and therefore how they may be developed. You will then feel the difference between wanting something freely and needing it so much that the non-fulfillment really hurts. But you should also be careful of the pseudo-calm harmony, the superimposed lack of need that is simply a withdrawing from life, love, and communication due to fear.
P6 They (people) feel, “If I have to give up what I believe, then my whole world and personal safety crumbles.” They cannot afford to face what they consider a threat to their security. So the core of the problem does not lie in the misunderstanding of myth, symbol, or anything else for that matter. The core lies in the psychological problems, in the false safeguards people have built for themselves, and in their resistance to reexamine the true motivation for their tenacity in holding on to certain ideas, be they right or wrong.
—The Pathwork® Guide