Lecture 103 – Harm of Too Much Love Giving – Constructive and Destructive Will | Abbreviated Version

P1             You use your will to produce a feeling that as yet does not exist in you. Genuine feelings are always spontaneous and come of themselves. They are an indirect byproduct of self-awareness and arise spontaneously, not determined by your outer will, which is the will that can be activated by your conscious determination.

P2             It is just as harmful and destructive to love too much, and thus unwisely, as it is to love too little. We speak here of a personal love, demanding love in return, not of a detached love that senses when to let go, when to have warm human feelings of sympathy and understanding, with no demand. To love too much when it is not wanted is as insensitive, as egocentric, and as greedy as loving too little.

If a person is incapable of receiving your love and is frightened by it, yet your frustrated wish to love comes out in a stronger force than what the other person is capable of meeting, your current makes that other person withdraw in fear. When you are unaware of your own inner processes, you are not sensitive to this. You merely feel rejected and are busy with this insult. Thus you do not respect the other’s integral right not to be receptive to what you wish to give. For you it is a question of all or nothing.

It may be perfectly true that the other person’s incapacity reflects his or her emotional immaturity, inner problems, and conflicts. But you become angry at this. You refuse the right of the other to set a boundary which you may claim for yourself in a slightly different version.

P3             You will learn to hear what is behind the words, to interpret the signs, to perceive what goes on in the other person even if he or she is unaware of it. If you were less defensive, less self-willed, less concerned with rejection or the frustration of your immediate will, you would develop the nobility of spirit to respect the other’s incapacity, even if it were “sick.” This attitude would then establish a human relationship, whereas your greedy egocentric giving destroys it.

Let the other person be, allow him or her to react differently from how you wish to be received. You will be able to let go and still like and respect another, even if you know his or her incapacity. Even if the other person’s response is “immature,” it does not matter. Do not refuse to grant the other the right you wish for yourself. You will no longer consider this an asset for which you are unjustly punished by life; you will see the intrinsic selfishness and greed of it. You will have the generosity and nobility of spirit to stand back and let go and be more finely attuned to the other’s need—whether she or he wants to receive more than you give, or less than you want to give.

If this happens without contempt, resentment of the other or of yourself, without self-doubt and self-belittling, then you have indeed grown up. But, again: If you are as yet incapable of feeling in such a mature way, do not force yourself into it. Rather, see yourself as you extend this strong, demanding force and observe your reaction when it is repelled. See the force in action, experience it without judging yourself. This is the only way, as I keep saying again and again.

P4             You will sense that it is not a question of the other not wanting to receive anything from you, but perhaps not wanting it at this time, in this way. About the will:

(1) When you are unaware of what you want, even if what you want is in itself healthy and productive, the very fact that you are unaware of it must produce a negative result. Why? Not because of the wish itself, but because of the reason that necessitated hiding it. You want something, yet you feel that what you want is wrong, so you try to believe that you do not want it. You are so unsure of yourself and of your own rightness that you suppress, and ultimately repress, your wish capacity, your willpower. You may transform it so that it reappears in the form of a compromise, but the unclarity produces a thick haze in your psyche, an unhealthy climate that hinders your self-expression. But it may well be a very healthy wish that you do not allow into consciousness because you wish to comply with standards superimposed by your society, by public opinion—or what you think they are.

(2) Another reason why willpower or wish capacity becomes unproductive is that you have split it in two directions.

(3) If your will is so strong that it does not consider the obstacles, nor respect other people’s inclinations; if it does not take into account the other person’s reality; if the strength of the wish is stronger than reality warrants,

(4) If you show too little will, if you are resigned and withdrawn, become apathetic and are too fearful to want to lead a meaningful life;

P5             But you need your will to observe yourself in candor and without self-deception, and from this observation your capacity for loving and living grows automatically. I am pointing to the proper combination of wanting and willing, while letting free: the self-will goes out, while the goodwill remains. This goodwill has to be cultivated anew, over and over.

P6             If the will can be directed to go beyond your tendency to moralize and to focus instead on what is true, rather than on what is right, the will produces truth and thereby love. To obtain anything you wish, the will has to be cultivated again and again in a relaxed, generous way, not by framing your own limited concepts either by wishing this particular success or that specific relationship. (about compulsiveness in missionaries) If you have to offer love or salvation, it takes wisdom to accept that one’s own will and ideas are not welcome to the other person. It takes more maturity and wisdom than most people have, and, most of all, it takes self-awareness, to let the other free, even in his incompleteness.

P7             To manipulate your will according to what you know or think is right, or even according to your own limited past experiences, cripples the spontaneity of the real self.

P8             The environment only brings out what exists already. It cannot bring out what is not there to begin with.

P9             The only way you can grasp and understand why it should be that certain children have the best and most favourable circumstances and develop so-called neuroses, while in other cases the conditions may be extremely unfavorable and yet comparatively little neurosis exists—we cannot say none since no human being is free of it—the only way to understand this is that you are not born once, but come again and again with the problems that are as yet unresolved. In spiritual spheres where you live without your physical body, you are in a life where you do not encounter the hindrances caused by matter. One can still grow and develop to a degree without this obstacle, but certainly not to the same degree as on earth.

Matter is one constant hindrance. It is one resistance. We talked about psychological resistance, but that is only one aspect, one small fragment of resistance as such. Earth life, life in matter, is one resistance. Life on earth requires a certain equilibrium between not too much and not too little resistance. Will is a force that overcomes the resistance of matter, the resistance of separation. If the will is too strong, it is harmful, and if it is too little it will not sufficiently overcome the resistance of matter. It is intuitive, not learned.

You grow to fit into the right stream of the particular degree of resistance you need. Each person has a personal vibration, or frequency, the sum total of his or her entire being, outer and inner. According to this personal vibration the resistance has to fit, as it were, to the general resistance of matter.

—The Pathwork® Guide