Lecture 190 – Importance of Experiencing all Feelings including Fear, and the Dynamic of Laziness | Abbreviated Version

P1             The capacity to own up to being fallible, human, vulnerable, irrational, wrong, needy, defenseless, weak and unhappy must by necessity increase your capacity to be strong, truly right and not self-righteous, truly independent, and fulfilled. The acceptance of your hate will make you more loving, the acceptance of your weakness will make you stronger, the acceptance of your pain will allow you to be more blissful.

P2             All human beings vaguely believe that the underlying truth is unacceptable and therefore that they themselves are unacceptable. Thus a double illusion must be removed: the underlying belief in question, as well as the cover you put over it. The denial of the original experience compels you to re-experience it over and over again and thus increase the accumulated pain and hurt.

You do not feel how unhappy you really were as a child, and for a long time you believed just the opposite about your childhood. Gaining this knowledge first intellectually is the necessary preparation to experiencing it. There is an intimate connection between the problem of laziness and feelings that have not been fully experienced. Do not look at laziness as an attitude to be given up at will, if only the person would finally come around to being reasonable and constructive.

P3             Feeling and knowing are not really two separate functions but rather tail ends of the same phenomenon. Thus, knowing can be as much a defense against feeling as not knowing and denying the knowledge part of the feeling. To recapitulate: all that is evil, destructive, and negative in human nature is a result of defending against experiencing painful, undesirable feelings. When feelings stagnate, energy stagnates. When the natural energy flow is halted within your soul substance, you find yourself in the position of feeling laziness, that state where movement is possible only when it is forced painfully by the outer will.

When you find yourself stagnating, lazy, passive, or inert, and when you desire to do nothing, which is often confused with the spiritual state of just being, you have a good gauge that there are feelings in you which have created psychic toxicity because you were loath to experience and acknowledge them. The stagnation of energy currents traps not only feelings but concepts as well. You generalize from single occurrences and hold on to the resulting false beliefs.

P4             Human beings may feel one thing, believe another, and act without knowing how both these functions govern them. When you unify knowing and feeling, you work toward mending and integration, which manifests as a wonderful new awakening. When feelings are not experienced in their full intensity, the inner life flow must become stagnant. So-called laziness may be one manifestation of this paralysis. A lack of creativity or a feeling of general despair may be another. A sense of futility and confusion about life and your role in it must envelop you when you resist living through the feelings you harbour.

You go on harboring them because you delude yourself that avoiding the feelings will hurt you less than exposing them. The total experience of a feeling is as available as your willingness and readiness to venture into it. These feelings are often accumulations of centuries and millennia—not just decades. Each life incarnation presents the task of cleansing yourself by experiencing and understanding them.

After you terminate this life cycle, the conditions, circumstances, and environment of your next life into which you are drawn by an inexorable law of life will afford you the opportunity to bring to the fore any previously accumulated waste material. But memory of previous incarnations is blotted out, so that you have only this life’s past experiences to draw on. When you go on denying awareness and refusing to feel the experience of what you have lived through in this very life, you perpetuate the process of dimming memory.

P5             If all the feelings of this lifetime are fully experienced, all residual matter of previous lives will automatically be dealt with because the trauma of the now is only a trauma because the previous pains had been denied. But what really prevents you from fully living is your fear of and resistance to living the feelings you did not accept when they first came to you so painfully. Laziness is a protection against the movement of the soul substance which threatens to bring up the feelings you think you can go on avoiding without blocking your very life.

By fully understanding this, you can redirect your inner will and intent toward overcoming this self-induced protective stagnation, by mustering the courage to feel what is there to feel. You must allow it (fear) to take over, in the right setting of course. And when you experience this fear, you will find two basic elements within it. The first is the childhood conditions which were so painful that you thought you could not let yourself feel them, so you cut yourself off from them. And the second even more important and significant element is the fear of experiencing the fear.

P6             If you accept and feel the pain, a dissolving process begins automatically. The same is true with fear, anger, frustration, or whatever the feeling may be. In that way, you can progress to the nucleus of the accumulated waste energy of denied feelings. It is important now to focus your meditation. The proper direction is twofold. First you need a commitment to go in and not around yourself. The voluntary attitude of commitment will create an involuntary energy influx and activate the guiding wisdom of your spiritual self.

Stating in your meditation your intent and wish to experience all accumulated feelings and rid yourself of waste is the best and most effective beginning. The outer, volitional self must voluntarily play its part so that the involuntary self can then take over. This involuntary self manifests in two entirely different ways: the higher wisdom and guidance just mentioned, and the surfacing of the self that often writhes in pain but denies the experience of the residual pain of long ago. The first helps and guides the latter.

P7             The second important aspect of meditation is to summon your faith that “going in” will not annihilate you. Without this act of faith you will not have the courage to do it. Only after finally summoning sufficient trust to risk the jump can the person find out that he or she actually floats. You have to face the discrepancy between what you claim to believe and what you actually do believe. If you believe in humanity’s ultimate spiritual nature, then you have nothing to fear. If you do not, it is necessary to be aware of this underlying doubt and confront its real nature.

P8             By confronting the validity of the fear, you may often find that the real reason behind the fear is shame and its partner, pride. The idea that it is humiliating to have certain feelings or be in certain vulnerable states, along with the idea that you ought not to be where you are, and the feeling that your past suffering as a child is due to your being unacceptable and unlovable, all create the tendency to deny the state you are in. It says in Scripture, “According to thy belief it will be done unto thee.”

Crossing the barrier of embarrassment, humiliation, shame, and pride will often dissolve fear. Such an approach and attitude will build the climate you need to go into the abyss of fright, loneliness, helplessness, pain, and the anger generated by the suffering you had to endure.

Every tear not shed is a stoppage. Every protest not voiced sits in you and makes you express it where it is inappropriate. All these feelings seem like bottomless pits, but once you jump into them you are bound to find that there is deep inside of you that divine nucleus which dwells in you and of which you are an expression. It is a light, a warmth, an aliveness, and a security. The fear is not real. It is truly an illusion, but you must go through it by feeling it.

Through the gateway of feeling your weakness lies your strength; through the gateway of feeling your pain lies your pleasure and joy; through the gateway of feeling your fear lies your security and safety; through the gateway of feeling your loneliness lies your capacity to have fulfillment, love and companionship; through the gateway of feeling your hate lies your capacity to love; through the gateway of feeling your hopelessness lies true and justified hope; through the gateway of accepting the lacks of your childhood lies your fulfillment now. It is essential that you do not delude yourself into believing they are caused by anything you experience or fail to experience now.

—The Pathwork® Guide