Lecture 192 – Real and False Needs | Abbreviated Version

P1             If the little self still predominates over the spiritual, real self, abuse of these powers will be inevitable. The process of reawakening the self requires a great deal of effort, commitment, work, and the willingness to sacrifice destructive patterns. Awakening the spiritual potentials also involves access to the ever-present forces of life, all of which exist within and around you. When purification precedes the development of spiritual and psychic potential and power, bliss grows. Fearlessness increases. Healing of the ills of the mind, the soul, and the body will then be possible.

P3             Anyone not bringing his unconscious feeling experiences into consciousness must carry this repressed material into the next incarnation. The embedded material seeks out circumstances and people for the next incarnation that will give an opportunity to bring this dormant material to the fore again. Thus a set of parents or a certain environment will seem to be responsible for painful experience in childhood. But, actually, the undeveloped state of the parents functions as a means to bring out images which would otherwise remain inaccessible to consciousness, thereby blocking total purification.

To the degree you have not experienced fully your past as a child, you must attract similar experiences later in life. If you are unaware of what truly went on in you (as a child), you tend to not recognize what you feel and experience now as you repeat the experience. Where you experience more and more of this residual matter, you encounter the fact that the most painful element is the unfulfillment of your legitimate needs as a child. The negation of your real needs creates your false needs.

When the growing person denies the pain of an unfulfilled real need, this need does not disappear. On the contrary, the denial of the pain of its unfulfillment perpetuates the need and projects it into a later time and onto other people, so that it becomes a false need. A child needs to be taken care of, needs solely to receive care, nursing, good feelings, attention, and appreciation of its own uniqueness. If these needs are not fulfilled, the child must suffer. What does create a crippled state is the belief that this pain can only be eliminated when the person is finally given all that was lacking, even years later.

P4             The fulfillment so painfully longed for can be attained only when you proceed to search within yourself. This must begin with self-responsibility. If you remain stuck on blaming your parents you deprive yourself of the vital center of all good within you. When people begin to assume true self-responsibility, they will be less dependent on being praised and loved because they will be able to give themselves the self-esteem they could not feel when remaining demanding, resentful children.

The ability to experience pleasure from within the body and soul, and offer it to others, becomes a real alternative to greedily insisting on receiving. All these increased abilities will fill the emptiness. The more the pain of the unfulfilled legitimate need remains unfelt, or only half experienced, the more false needs will fill the personality which then is bound to make demands on others. When these demands are not being fulfilled, the resentments—and often the venom with which cases are being built against life and others—increase one’s sense of deprivation. ‘

Only when you are capable of admitting your irrational demands and of seeing how you want to deal out punishment to those you blame can you truly understand the connections I make here. They (real adult needs) are self-expression, growth, development, reaching one’s spiritual potential and everything that accrues from that. This means pleasure, love, fulfillment, good relationships, and a meaningful contribution to the great plan in which everyone has his or her task. The worse these inner traits are, the greater the guilt and the self-evasion. Only when resistance to recognizing the false needs is vigorously overcome can all this be reversed.

P5             Real needs never require others to comply and “give it to you.” Only to the little self does that appear necessary. As long as you believe that you are really willing to love, but fate is slighting you and withholding from you the person who loves you and whom you can love, you are really still ardently engaged in trying to fulfill the childhood need with a substitute parent. Let yourself go into the child state, and allow the irrational, destructive reactions of the child in you to express themselves now.

The destructive, demanding, punishing, and spiteful child usually manifests in a very obscure way, which can easily be hidden, rationalized, denied, or explained away and the emphasis shifted to factors outside yourself. If you give voice to this irrational side, you will find that it invariably says: “I need to be always loved and approved of by everyone. If I am not, it is a catastrophe.”

The self then talks itself into believing this, as a means to force others to comply. So it is necessary to discover the concept, or rather the misconception, entrapped in your strong reaction to an unfulfillment, to a hurt, a criticism, or a frustration. It (unreal need) only harms you when you have a covert concept that it will, simply because you are disinclined to accept life as it is and yourself as you are.

P6             Only as you bring your feelings back to yourself, tap the resources within yourself, and open the wells of your giving and loving feelings, will fulfillment become an inevitable reality. Conversely, to the degree you cling to and insist on the other’s fulfilling you, to that degree you must remain lonely and unfulfilled in your real needs now. Your present state can thus be used as a gauge that is more reliable than anything else, for life cannot be cheated.

For no matter how much your parents failed they cannot be held responsible for your suffering now. Even less can others whom you expect to be able to make up for all the injuries you have endured. Life plays out its laws and rules very squarely, fairly and impartially. It waits until you find the truth where your nonrecognized, legitimate needs as a child created fear and pain which you were unwilling and unable to experience fully. That cup has to be emptied.

Your unwillingness, in turn, created false needs whose nature and meaning also became concealed. The false needs create evils such as cruelty, vindictiveness, and so on. The guilt and self-hate for these make the original pain seem justified in your secret evaluation of yourself; but you do not wish to admit this, so you go on continually projecting the blame onto others.

P7             Hard pain is a result of fighting against what is. Soft pain is a result of acceptance. For the hard pain coming from insistence on the false needs contains the vengeance. The suffering itself is a frequent weapon for punishing parents, projected parents, and life. It says, in effect: “You see how bad you are and what you have done to me! Your not complying with my demands deserves the punishment of my annihilation.”

It is therefore safe to test the kind of pain that you experience. Does it lead to bleak hopelessness? It can then be safely assumed that the level of venom prevents the real experience of the residual original pain. For in the case of experiencing real pain, an inner organic wisdom guides the rhythms and duration of each experience.

As long as you are totally identified with it, you cannot confront it. Once you observe it as only a part of you, you will instantly know that this is not all there is to you. That aspect of you which observes it is certainly more you than that which is being observed. And the aspect of you which questions the voice that cries for vengeance, that has a dialogue with it and probes the truth of its implied messages, is even stronger.

P8             If you resist and harden yourself to the pain, then the pain compounds and will literally crush you. Only when you are being crushed—not ever by the pain that others inflict upon you, but by what you inflict upon yourself—can you confront this attitude in yourself. Have a dialogue with it.

When you specifically let go of your insatiable demands and unreal needs, you will find out that they are indeed illusory. Wherever there is unfulfillment in your life, an unreal need has to be looked for. You must find your own insistence that says, “It must be this way, not that way. Life must give me this.” Deep from your innermost being, from the center of your solar plexus, the voice of wisdom will guide you.

P9             The cause (of pain) is your persistence/insistence on staying hooked on false needs, on demanding that conditions be different, and that life now make up for it all and give to you gratuitously, leaving you as a recipient, leaving you out of the magnificent game of life.

—The Pathwork® Guide