1 Occupation with self

We often believe that it is far better to think about others—that focusing on ourselves only leads to selfishness.

Of course, it all depends on how we go about it.

Often, our minds run in unproductive channels of self-pity or constant complaining. We brood about how life seems to be passing us by. In such cases, it helps to take a closer look at ourselves before trying to think about others—to turn in a new direction.

A productive one.

Sometimes, it’s good to step outside ourselves and think of others for a change. After all, doing something for others helps us forget our own worries. By helping others, we also help ourselves. These two things go hand in hand.

Where we get into trouble is when our focus on others takes the wrong form—when we constantly think about what others are doing, criticizing and judging them as we go.

Thinking of others is not proof that we are spiritual. Likewise, thinking of ourselves is not necessarily a sign that we are selfish.

It all depends on how we do it.

The right kind, the right way

Some people are highly developed spiritually and devote themselves to helping others. But here’s something to notice: the more developed a person is, the more is expected of them. Their motives must be especially clean.

There is no room for neglecting one’s important inner work under the guise of, “Oh, don’t worry about me—I’m just all about helping others.” That would mean bypassing a part of one’s task.

In fact, once we reach the point in our spiritual development where we are exposed to deeper and richer teachings, we are ready for stronger medicine. Now we must become more rigorous about knowing ourselves.

Because if we don’t know ourselves, we can’t know others.

If we don’t love ourselves, we can’t love others.

The kind of self-love we’re talking about here is not self-indulgence. It is not shirking the unavoidable pains of life. That comes from the little self, the unhealed ego, which needs our attention.

This kind comes from respect.

Because if we don’t have healthy self-respect, then we don’t love our own greater being—which is the divine being we all are. Therefore, we can never truly love others.

This kind of self-love and self-respect—which is the right kind—can only come about by doing deeper spiritual work. This is what we set out to do when we were preparing for this earthly incarnation. If we neglect to do this work—no matter how we may whitewash our actions through service—we are, in effect, escaping.

We’re avoiding our duty—to our own selves.

Surprisingly, it is this very thing that leads us to despise ourselves and feel less than others. But if we do the work we came here to do, we will open up a well of self-respect in ourselves. And we’ll discover a true respect for others too.

So the more we practice the right kind of self-occupation, the less selfish we will be and the more we will be able to help others.

If we think critically about ourselves—in the right way—we’ll find compassion for others. But we, being the “spiritual people” that we are, so often do just the opposite.

We ignore the log in our own eye while noticing the speck in someone else’s.

As is so often the case, our work is to find the right middle path. We need to find the way to accept our own shortcomings as well as those of others. We can learn to accept our own faults without self-abusing despair or feeling discouraged because we’re imperfect.

At the same time, we don’t want to remain as we are—imperfect.

The key thing to look at is how we go about this.

Real acceptance does real good

In theory, we know that the only thing we can actually change is ourselves. And sometimes this has a positive affect on others. So the best way to go about changing anyone is by setting a good example.

When we find ourselves disturbed by someone else’s faults, this is actually pointing to a deep resentment in us about the simple fact that we cannot change them. And it gives us good information about where we really stand in humbly accepting ourselves.

If we react inwardly toward others for the way they are, we are not fully accepting ourselves. But if we remain calm—even in the presence of their faults—we are closer to accepting ourselves as we are.

Which faults in others bother us the most? The ones that live in us.

So if we want to be more loving towards others, we must come to know ourselves better.

It’s not true that to love another is to not see their flaws. Being tolerant doesn’t mean we ignore or overlook anything. We want to keep our eyes wide open.

To do otherwise is, in fact, intolerant.

If we can accept others’ imperfections, we don’t need to look away. But if our tolerance requires that we not see reality, then we are covering something up.

Real tolerance and real acceptance require real work. Our goal is to become willing to see another has faults, and not love or respect them any less for it. What a huge help such an attitude can be—for ourselves and everyone around us.

That is what it really means to do good in the world.