In this land of duality, we often hold arbitrary either/or concepts. We may not even be aware of some of them. One of the most common—and limiting—is our attitude about winning and losing.

In this way of seeing things, being a winner means being ruthless. We must be selfish and trampling—triumphing over others and belittling them. This leaves no room for being kind, considerate or sympathetic.

Should such emotions surface, we fear turning into a loser.

Being a loser means being unselfish. We are then self-sacrificing, kind, good and considerate people.

Some adopt one alternative, others adopt the other. But everyone fears the consequences of being the opposite of what they are.

Neither of these two choices is good.

Neither is better or worse.

Both are built on the same misconceptions. And both lead to nothing but loneliness, resentment, self-pity, self-contempt and frustration.

Opposite approaches, same poor result

Often, two people come together in a relationship from these opposite sides. The relationship will then be fraught with friction.

And this leads both people toward hopelessness.

The winner will fear impulses of genuine affection as much as they fear weakness and any inner desire for dependency.

For the loser, goodness equates with total approval from others. This means they can’t stand any form of criticism—justified or not.

Both sides resent in the other what they fear and fight in themselves. Which is their hidden tendency to be like the opposite choice.

Most of us harbor something like this, deep inside, to some extent.

For some, it’s like the water they swim in.

For others, it shows up here or there.

The vague underlying sentiment is: “If I can’t have what I want, I lose,” or “In order to not lose, I must be tough and not care about anyone but me.”

Everyone’s afraid of losing.

But this approach may require giving up all hope for human warmth, appreciation and love. That’s a mighty high price to pay, even if it worked as a strategy for winning.

Even then, such a “winner” can never let their guard down. They can’t relax and let go.

Through their sacrifice—by crippling their very being—such a person thinks they have a chance to win. When this fails to bring victory, doubt sets in.

Then negativity compounds.

Inner strength plummets.

One ends up more inadequate than ever.

We can walk a fine line between anticipating and fighting against losing—and resigning ourselves to it. We’re on that line if we feel our choice is between being the cruel one or risking being the poor stupid one.

Or we resign ourselves to being the latter, taking pride in our decency. In this case, we don’t dare defy the rules that seem to say goodness equals deprivation.

Whichever we choose, it’s inevitable that guilt and uncertainty will abound.

Both sides place demands on the world around them.

Winners make big demands on the self. These demands are impossible to meet and destructive for all involved. Losers demand the world reward them for the way they have sacrificed happiness.

They don’t go after their own fulfillment. So others are supposed to rise to fill this gap. As a reward for being so amazingly good.

But no good can ever come of this approach.

Breaking the win-or-lose illusion

This win-or-lose concept is tragically wrong—on many levels.

And entirely unnecessary.

The tragedy here is that we deeply believe this to be true—so it ends up appearing to be true.

We make it so.

That’s how our images, or hidden beliefs, work: they confirm their own wrong conclusion. Then we end up on the losing end of life.

Just believing that these are the only two alternatives is wrong and limiting. The truth is, we can assert our rights and reach for what we want—without being cruel or depriving others.

Beyond this, it’s necessary that we reach for what we want.

But such a limiting beliefs can make us feel guilty for pursuing what we want. And the subtle no-current within that guilt will further block our path.

In true reality, from time to time, we can give up our own immediate advantage for someone we love. But that doesn’t mean we forfeit all our rights and advantages forever.

We can say yes to our own happiness without saying no to others. The more we realize this, on all levels, the fewer conflicts we will have between what’s an advantage to us versus someone else.

This is how we embrace reality and widen our horizons. And it’s how we break through the barriers presenting reality as being harder and harsher than it really is.

We see that in the mutually exclusive dilemma of win or lose, neither option is preferred.

There can be no right decision.

We can liberate ourselves from the guilt and frustration of trying to make this work—to get others to give us what they can never provide.

We don’t need to belittle or triumph over others.

This truth opens a vast space of peace and certainty inside us.

Our hidden fear of happiness

We must search for where this conflict lives in us. Keep in mind, this tendency to escape reality is not only a fear of unpleasant aspects. Just as often, we find a deeper fear of happiness, of being fulfilled, and of living a full life.

If we want to be all we can be—to live our best life—we must tap into the divine strength that’s deep in our psyche.

This is the source of truth and love.

But this can seem both unreachable—and dangerous. For we must navigate the dark parts of ourselves to get there.

Wouldn’t it be easier to pretend life is dismal and hopeless?

Isn’t there someone else coming to save us? To take care of us?

We may flatter ourselves that such an approach is “just being realistic.” After all, isn’t it more realistic to accept suffering and pain than to think we can live constructive lives and become happy?

Or so this thinking goes.

What we are afraid to face is that life could be meaningful and beautiful. Because accepting this requires us to have the courage to look for the truth—within ourselves.

The false choice: me or God

Beneath our faulty either/or concepts, fear can give way to truth.

Then we will expand.

There’s no limit to how far we can go in expressing beauty, wisdom, productivity—for ourselves and for others.

If we are ready for bliss, it is ready for us.

This creative process, like any other, requires a balance between the self and universal powers. All creation relies on universal powers.

We find this so confusing.

Which is it? Does nothing happen without these creative powers? Or we are masters of our own fate?

This is the either/or dilemma we face.

Which is better? Should we disregard these creative powers and trust the outer mind and will?

Although, admittedly, this doesn’t ever take us very far.

Or should we not trust ourselves at all, putting all our faith in an outer deity that we hope won’t let us down?

And yet, so often, it does.

All misunderstandings which are exclusive and limiting will lead us to disappointing alternatives. In this case, they both lead to not trusting God or the self.

This happens because the balance between these two—the self-directing mind and universal creative powers—goes haywire the minute we feel forced to choose between them.

To find the proper balance, we need to understand the function of the two sides.

Why we block what we want

The function of the self is to want whatever is right for us—whatever we yearn for. When we are happy, we express the divine within—and this affects everyone around us.

We have a positive effect on others when we live up to our inherent potential. The more intense the contact with ourselves, the greater this effect will be.

But we have to be connecting with something that will really make us happy—not some surface superficial desire. It can’t be something we want simply because it seems like the obvious aim.

We can’t have our desire be foggy and half-formulated. We can’t be simultaneously harboring a feeling that to be happy is to be selfish. Or that it will exact a toll from us that’s higher than we are willing to pay.

All such countercurrents have to be dislodged.

We can sense the existence of such currents if we feel tense and strained in our desires. If we fear not getting what we want, somewhere in our psyche, we also fear getting it.  

We’ve got to dig up such contradictions if we want to step in the direction of fulfillment.

But why does anyone fear happiness?

Sometimes it’s because we fear abandoning ourselves to it. Or that bliss will make us totally lose control.

We may fear that certain obligations will come with it that we don’t want. Or maybe we fear we’re inadequate to have it —or keep it.

Just because we want something doesn’t mean our unconscious doesn’t hold an entirely different agenda.

How desire actually works

So the self has a job to do in cooperating with the universal creative powers. But this may not be as simple as it sounds. We must look at the way we want our desires to be filled, and at what other soul movements are also involved.

We must consider two things.

First, where and why do we subtly say no to what we think we want. Because if we want something and we don’t have it, somewhere we are saying no.

Second, we must be able to articulate, in so many words, that this is what we want. Watch what happens when we do so.

Do we feel relaxed? Does it feel possible?

If we ignore this line of questioning, we will miss out on having our rightful desires fulfilled.

If we know the truth about what we want and are relaxed about it—without urgency, compulsion, tension or fear—then we can have it. This is well within the scheme of creation.

This might relate to success in a career, health, an intimate relationship, good friends, or freedom from problems. If we’ve dissolved whatever hinders us—and it will be good and right for all concerned—there’s nothing wrong or destructive about obtaining it.

We need to poke holes in any stories about how we aren’t worth it or shouldn’t have our heart’s desire. This will sweep away false guilt that caused us to deprive ourselves, until now.

We can then declare that what we want will benefit us and others.

Now we want to visualize this.

It is our responsibility to stay relaxed and determined. It is through this kind of commitment that we set the creative powers into motion.

The gardener principle

The positive results that must follow will assure us that it was right to trust this creative process. That helps us trust our ability to perform our own role, letting the powers carry their part of the partnership.

This is the way to establish a positive benevolent circle of creation

We are amazing creators.

We are, in fact, creating all the time. The question is, are we doing it deliberately and consciously? Are we calling on the universal forces to help clear our inner obstacles and then to make the thing—whatever it is—grow?

Or do we let the wheels of our unconscious go unchecked?

The self-directing mind can get the ball of greater forces rolling. And they respond to the direction we set. They know exactly what to do to help our desires come to life.

Our job is to know all the pieces that are in play.

Think of this interplay as being like a gardener who prepares the soil. But the gardener isn’t the one to make the plant grow.

When we till the dirt of our consciousness, it’s like preparing the soil.

When we pull out wrong concepts, it’s like yanking up weeds.

Then, when we get rid of obstacles, it’s like removing rocks that would block the spread of the roots.

Implanting truthful concepts is like planting the seeds.

Cultivating the right attitude and having patience is like tending the soil. We do this until the sprout comes up, making sure it gets the water, light and nourishment it needs.

In this way, the gardener does their job, making it all possible.

But the gardener has zero ability to make a tree from a seed, or a fruit from a flower.

Zero.

All the gardener can do is make sure to plant the proper seed. But they can’t make it grow.

There is nothing the gardener can do to make that happen.

But by cooperating with the creative process, fulfilling certain conditions in the right way, the gardener makes it possible for nature to do its job—so the soul can get fed.

What doesn’t work is to plant the wrong seed.

So often, believe it or not, we plant the seed for the very opposite of what we want. This makes us distrust life.

But if we can see how we brought forth just what was sown, even the negative results can give us confidence in the principles at work in this process.

Balance creates reality

This creative process operates on every level.

For example, in healing the body, if we cut ourselves, we need to wash the wound and apply a bandage. Then we let the healing process happen.

On the mental level, we may plant the seed for something our innermost layers can’t quite accept. Perhaps there have been countercurrents active for a long time. Then a period of incubation will be needed.

Underneath the surface, much is going on.

A little quiet time is just what’s needed for growth. But what we so often do is despair and stop trusting, effectively tearing up a seed that’s barely sprouted.

In perfect mutuality, the self and creative forces will strike a balance. The activity of the self—fulfilling necessary conditions—meets the passivity of the creative process.

When we find this right balance, there won’t be any missing puzzle pieces in our lives.

We will have harmony in our soul.

We won’t become overactive, thinking we have to do it all. And we won’t become over-passive, giving our life to an external God who we hope will do the work for us.

When we are in proper balance, we’ll be relaxed and stimulated in a harmonious way. We’ll prepare the soil just the way it needs to be done.

Then we’ll have the humility to let go.

We begin by knowing that the perfect possibility exists as pure potential. Just knowing this makes it possible for potential to become realized.

This also opens doors to allow creative powers to push aside the walls within us—walls made of doubt and fear and ignorance. At some point, we can actually feel these walls fall away.

First, we’ll fear this happening.

Later, we’ll tentatively try it out.

When we really experience it, we’ve got the key to selfhood. The mind will let loose of its grip, and we will commit to living fully.

But first, the opposite is going to happen.

The lazy little ego doesn’t like to be accountable, doing what must be done to get a good, desirable outcome—such as leading a meaningful life.

So where activity should reign, passivity rules.

Where it should let go, it’s incredibly busy, holding itself together in a tight knot.

It’s going to take some work to bring ourselves into balance. When balance gets restored though, the fences will come down.

The self will expand. And amazing potentials will be realized.

This is a truth—not wishful thinking or evasion of the self.

Let’s see how this might look in meditation. We begin by embracing a truthful concept in the outer mind. We allow no-currents and inner obstructions to surface.

Gradually, the truth can spread to deeper layers.

Then the whole psyche, like a beautiful flower, will unfold as in the rays of the sun. As each of the layers soaks up the truth, new vitality is ushered in.

One can feel this happening in hours of deep recognition. Tightness gives way to the liberation and light that truth brings.

 

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Read Original Pathwork^® Lecture: #129 Winner versus Loser: Interplay Between the Self and Creative Forces