When we begin to do this work, we may start to think it is creating problems for us. But in truth, self-inquiry is not the cause of our difficulties. They result from our unresolved pains that hide in our areas of blindness. So if we want to uncover our deepest problems—to heal our deepest wounds—we need to go where we haven’t wanted to look. The access route is through our shame.
There are actually two kinds of shame—a right kind and a wrong kind. The right kind is true repentance. Without this kind of shame, there would be no incentive for self-development. And we wouldn’t take on this noble fight against our Lower Self.
The wrong kind of shame says, “I am hopelessly bad, and there is nothing that can be done about it.”
Our lack of self-respect is not due to our shortcomings—no matter what they may be. It is due to having the wrong kind of shame.
Learn more in Living Light, Chapter 14: SHAME | The Right and Wrong Kind.
Shame is essentially the word we use to describe the feeling of needing to keep down—or out of our awareness—the blind spots we are afraid to see, or to let others see. It is a trick our ego uses to avoid exposure. And it acts like a tight lid that cautions us to keep looking away.
Shame is the outer layer of our mask. So when we embark on any path of self-healing, it is the first thing we bump into. But once we work up the courage to reveal ourselves to another, the shame lifts off.
Until that happens, shame will keep us from knowing if we are ever really loved and appreciated. For this little voice in us says, “If they only knew how I really am and what I have done, they would not love me.” Then any affection we receive seems destined for the person we appear to be, not the person we are. We end up feeling insecure and lonely.
We can begin to heal when we admit the aspects that cause shame, such as fear of appearing less than others, fear of belittlement, and fear of humiliation. When we take the risk to share these fears with others, we’ll often see we’re not alone—our fears and faults are basically the same as everyone else’s.
“Most people are motivated to start spiritual work like this because what they really seek are better ways to avoid the undesirable feelings. When it finally dawns on them that exactly the opposite direction must be taken, many leave the path, unwilling to accept the truth that avoidance is futile. They insist on their illusion.”
– Pathwork Lecture #191: Inner and Outer Experience
Once we take the first steps to courageously look into our hidden areas—and allow ourselves to feel the vulnerability that comes with that—we will see shame for what it is. It is part of an illusion that keeps us in separation—from ourselves, from others and from knowing God. In the end, the illusion is that we can avoid whatever exists in us.
Therefore the road to self-respect does not require we be free of our faults—to be perfect. Self-respect comes by adopting a realistic and constructive attitude toward our imperfections. This is why the basic requirement to be on this path is to be honest with ourselves, and to not desire to appear better than we are.
Learn more in Pearls, Chapter 1: Privacy vs. Secrecy: A Boost or Bust for Finding Closeness, and Chapter 9: Why Flubbing on Perfection is the Way to Find Joy.
The Guide explains that we can also experience shame about the best and noblest part of ourselves—our Higher Self. Here’s how this comes about. Every child would like love and approval to a much greater extent than is possible. Particularly by the parent who seems to reject it—imagined or real does not matter. When this exclusive affection doesn’t happen, the child feels it as a rejection.
The desired aim—exclusive love and acceptance—is then confused with the parent withholding it. In the immature mind of the child, the rejecter now becomes desirable, taking the place of that which was originally desired.
Therefore the child concludes that to be unloving is a desirable state. Then being cold, aloof and free of emotions—the behavior pattern of the rejecter—becomes the strategy for no longer being rejected. With this in the unconscious, the adult then feels it is shameful to demonstrate love.
While it is easy to see that the logic is faulty, it also has its own quite understandable limited logic in the child’s mind. This is the type of wrong thinking we need to surface and examine.
Learn more in Living Light, Chapter 15: SHAME OF THE HIGHER SELF | We’re Ashamed of Our Best Self. Crazy, Right?
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