Idealized Self-image

What it is

The idealized self-image is the perfect version of ourselves that we unconsciously try to become. We create it to hide what we fear is unacceptable within us and to earn the love, approval or safety we believe we need.

The Pathwork Guide calls the strategies we use to maintain this illusion pseudo-solutions. They are the defenses of the Mask Self.

Why it matters

No one can become an illusion. The harder we strive to live as this imaginary person, the farther we drift from our authentic self.

From Bones

~1~

The truth is, birth is painful for the infant. And then after we arrive, we meet with other painful experiences. Of course, there’s pleasure too. But there’s just no escaping our knowledge that unpleasantness is possible.

It really happens. Our fear of this is ever-present, and that creates a problem for us.

So we devise a countermeasure that we falsely believe will circumvent unhappiness, unpleasantness and death: We create an idealized self-image. (Chapter 6)

~2~

However it happens, something will make us unhappy. And that automatically makes us feel insecure. There’s a direct correlation, in fact, between being unhappy and not believing in ourselves.

In other words, our loss of self-confidence is proportional to how badly we feel.

Our idealized self-image is supposed to avoid all that by supplying the missing self-confidence. This, we unconsciously believe, will lead us straight to pleasure supreme. (Chapter 6)

~3~

What we’re really scared of is our own pretense and false maturity and idealized self-image—that falsely perfect version of ourselves. This is what makes us tremble.

This is what we need to own up to. Then we can find a genuine self to connect with, and never have to fear being exposed. (Chapter 6)

~4~

In the end, whatever we incorporate into the idealized self-image—and of course all three types do this—will be tainted with pride and hypocrisy and pretending. (Chapter 6)

~5~

If we’ve chosen submission as our strategy for surviving, our idealized self-image will demand that we always stay in the background. We must always give in and always love everyone. At the same time, we must never assert ourselves, find fault with others, or recognize our own accomplishments and true values.

What a holy picture this paints, at least on the surface.

But all the underlying poison of our distorted motives destroys anything genuine. Being submissive then creates a caricature of what real love looks like. (Chapter 7)

~6~

The idealized self-image of the power type—the one who dons the Power Mask—demands standards of godlike power and independence. We think we must be completely self-sufficient without needing anyone, which is in contrast to what mere mortals require…

Our idealized self-image also dictates that we must not love. To show our true loving nature then is a crass violation of all we stand for.

Doing so brings on deep shame. (Chapter 7)

~7~

We will never rid ourselves of our idealized self-image just by looking at it. To find our way out, we need to become aware, in a very acute and intimate way, how all these contradictory trends operate in our daily lives.

And this will be painful. (Chapter 7)

~8~

Once we start to work with our emotions, we will be able to let go of the false values of our idealized self-image. Then our real values can emerge.

Up until now, with our idealized self-image masking our Real Self, we haven’t even known what our real values are. We have been so alienated from the core of our being, we could only concentrate on creating more and bigger and better false values…

We’ve spent our whole lives working on our idealized self-image because we didn’t believe in our real worth. As such, we’ve missed the parts that are truly worth accepting and appreciating.

It’s painful at first to unroll this entire process. (Chapter 7)

Continue with: Mask Self • Pride • Pseudo-solution