The key to becoming who we truly are is this: we must overcome our fear of ourselves. This is the fundamental prerequisite for being all that we can be.

Ultimately, every fear is fear of the self. For if we had no fear of our innermost selves, we couldn't possibly fear anything in life.

We wouldn't even fear death.

When we begin the path of self-confrontation, we rarely realize that what we fear most lies within our own unexplored depths.

We often project this fear of self onto countless other fears.

Then we deny we have those fears, and we set about covering them up.

Until one day we realize we have some enormous fear of some aspect of life. This is where our fear of our self ultimately lands.

Or we may end up fearing life itself. Then we try to avoid living it altogether.

We avoid life in the same way we avoid knowing the self—to whatever extent we fear it.

How we numb ourselves to life

Sometimes we will project our fear of life onto the fear of death—since life and death are two sides of the same coin.

This means if we fear one, we're going to also fear the other.

Only after we've made some progress in our search for self-knowing do we become aware that what we're most afraid of is ourselves.

We can recognize this by how we avoid seeing our part in our problems.

We can also see how we resist life, in more or less obvious ways. Or when we won't face our terror of letting go of our defenses, which would allow us to experience our natural feelings.

But the degree of our guardedness won't be clear to us to begin with.

Our defenses have become second nature.

We don't even realize at this point that they're unnatural. That life could be very different—if we would just let them go.

We resist relaxing and allowing inner, involuntary forces to guide us. This is a key sign of how much we distrust ourselves.

We're afraid of these natural soul movements—afraid of where they will take us.

To simply become aware of this fear is to take a step in the right direction. We are heading toward self-liberation—toward freedom from fear.

For if we're not aware of our fear of our self, we can't overcome it.

Why the Real Self cannot be forced

The Real Self cannot be manipulated into freedom. It can't be forced or coerced into showing up.

The Real Self can only manifest as a spontaneous expression.

So if we're afraid to let go, we'll stay locked in a prison of our own making.

What does it look like when our Real Self acts spontaneously?

We intuitively know things that arise from within—not by way of an outer learning process. Artists and scientists alike bring new creations into the world through this process.

For this to happen, we must stop fearing our inner selves. Too often, we unknowingly block what wants to come bubbling to life.

Sometimes we fear what will happen if we don't conform to our social environment. Which is yet another version of fear of self.

This can happen when our true inner reality is at odds with what's happening in our world. After all, our inner values might be different from the values handed down to us.

When that's the case, our work is to refuse ready-made values. And we can only do this if we don't fear what organically arises from within.

Whether they're right or wrong, outer values will feel like shackles if we don't choose them freely.

Our fear of pleasure and aliveness

One important thing to note about our fear of self is the way it dovetails with fear of pleasure. We are, by nature, pleasure-making beings.

We are all capable of experiencing intense joy.

Yet many people experience little to no real pleasure. And that's a real shame. Because every human alive has the ability surrender fully to the life force, with all its tantalizing pleasure currents.

If we're truly healthy and functioning as we're meant to, we will spontaneously express this powerful force as it comes rolling through us.

We won't fear it and, therefore, we won't reject it.

It will enliven us with gorgeous energy, tremendous strength and deep delight.

But for those of us who remain guarded and defended—who are constantly restraining themselves out of fear of letting go—these forces can't shine.

When we numb ourselves by deadening our feelings, we effectively become dead. This lack of aliveness, or state of disconnectedness, is rampant throughout our world.

But no more so today than in previous eras.

We can call it self-alienation. In its wake flows a sense of meaninglessness and emptiness.

All because our overly watchful, willful ego won't let go.

The courage to fully live

The average person experiences some level of aliveness, at least sometimes. But it's a pittance compared to what's possible.

We can't even imagine how much better things could be.

Too often we label such aliveness as "unrealistic." Or perhaps we think our longing for another way of life is an illusion. With this, we resign ourselves to living a half-dead life.

We assume this is just the way things must be.

It takes courage to maintain our longing—no matter how late in the game it may seem.

To believe that more can be had.

But for that to happen, we must be willing to become alive.

And to do that, we'll need to face our fear of self.

We fear what lives inside us

Why are we afraid to let go?

Why do we fear that if we don't stay hypervigilant—constantly watching for what could go wrong—something bad might happen?

What is the dangerous "something" we fear will surface from the depths of our spontaneous being?

When it comes down to it, there are basically two things that could happen. One, there's the possibility that some terrible monster will come out of us.

Something destructive will rear its ugly head.

Two, there's the possibility that something wonderfully creative and pleasurable will surface. Something constructive and life-expanding will bubble up.

While it's easy to imagine why we might fear the first possibility, it's not true that this is the only option that frightens us.

Indeed, fear of our negativity is one good reason to rein in our free-wheeling soul movements. For chances are good, we're sitting on significant amount of hate and hostility, anger and resentment, and cruel impulses—all buried inside.

It is quite understandable that we fear letting these out.

They do exist in every human being to one degree or another. They exist to the degree our positive expressions were interrupted in childhood.

Full expression of our life force is first prohibited by our parents and others around us. This happens under the misguided belief that allowing us to express ourselves might lead to danger.

Later, we do the repressing of our own selves.

Once we become adults, we are no longer constrained by our past. Rather, we continue to hold ourselves back. We do this by reigning in our natural constructive life force that was, once upon a time, forbidden by someone else. 

Turning negativity back into life

Here we go then, launched into one of the most famous vicious circles there is. It is caused by an error imposed upon us by the mere fact of what it means to be born a human.

For when positive forces are held back, negative forces grow instead.

What's really happening here is that a positive force becomes twisted and distorted. This disturbs the original essence of the force, converting it into a negative force.

This now-negative force isn't a different force that has just come into existence. Our rage, for example, is not a new energy current or emotion. No, our rage is made from the same original substance as our love.

And it can turn back into love—if we'll let it.

In fact, this can happen fairly easily. For any negative emotion will readily convert back to its original natural form.

To do this with our rage requires we first admit it exists. Then we need to fully experience it. We can do this under proper circumstances so it is done in a way that doesn't hurt someone else.

As we allow ourselves to fully identify with powerful feelings—such as rage—we want to keep a sense of proportion about it. It's important we don't turn toward rejecting our total personality because it exists.

Then, and only then, can our rage be restored to the warmth of pleasurable and loving feelings.

Along the way, we may need to traverse other temporary emotions. These might include sadness, self-pity and pain.

We'll also probably need to reconnect with our healthy aggression and self-assertion.

Basically, we're going to need to own up to all our negative energy currents and experience them. And we'll need to allow them to exist for as long as they naturally exist.

That's the way to transform what's unnatural and destructive back into its original loving form.

Breaking the cycle of fear and control

Let's return to that vicious circle for a moment. For that's what we're living with when we avoid the healthy procedure just outlined.

In the end, the bigger our rage, the greater our fear of it will be. As a result, the more we stay on guard.

And the more guarded we are, the less we are able to be spontaneous. Spontaneity, however, is part of the formula for allowing our destructive emotions to return to their original state as pleasure currents.

We have come to fear the destructive forces, which is understandable. But we often also fear the forces of pleasure and love—maybe even more so.

We fear them because they ask us to remain unguarded, and to trust our inner spontaneous nature. Remember, that's the only way for the love forces to be kept alive, by our being totally unafraid of ourselves.

To give up being guarded, though, seems like asking for annihilation. Because then we're letting something other than our watchful ego work in cooperation with the process of living.

What is it going to take to unwind this vicious circle?

It all hinges on meeting what we fear. And what we fear are the love forces. They require us to give up our tight grip on life.

That's our watchful eyes, which are hoping to control and manipulate life.

They wring all the spontaneity out of it.

The further along we go, holding on for dear life, the more emptiness and frustration build. This causes anger and rage to grow.

In the end, fear of self grows, too.

Opening to real fulfillment

We will remain caught in this vicious cycle as long as we refuse to take the steps needed to overcome our resistance to meeting our fear.

And this fear is typically high on our list of things we want to avoid.

Yet, if we can make a start in facing the self, the relief and liberation will make our efforts worth it. This will require, however, more than a quick nod toward the existence of our negative feelings.

Once we get underway, we'll see that doing this work of self-discovery is neither as dangerous nor as difficult as we might imagine.

Our steps in this direction are blessed.

And they will allow our life to open up.

But our pent-up emotions must be lived through to be transformed.

Bear in mind, this doesn't mean we should go around acting out our anger. That will only lead to retaliation.

We must seek out therapeutic supervision where our inner expressions will not cause outer harm.

The more we take responsibility for our destructive feelings—acknowledging them and expressing them safely—the less will we feel compelled to act them out. We will then stop over-reacting to situations, which happens so often in our daily lives.

We will also no longer spread our anger onto others—inadvertently and indirectly. We all do this far more than we realize.

The more quickly we get through this work of self-transformation, the sooner our experience of greater pleasure can take place.

But for as long as fear of self exists, it will be impossible to feel fulfilled.

Absolutely impossible.

The flow of giving and receiving

To thrive, we all need the sustenance of affection, warmth and acceptance of our uniqueness. But when our need to receive these things goes unfulfilled, our psyche feels the impact.

For just as our bodies need pleasure, so do our souls.

Without it, our growth will be stunted.

As children, we were all dependent on having our needs met by others. We needed to receive.

In addition, children have a need to give. So while we readily recognize the frustration that came from not receiving enough, we tend to overlook the frustration of not sufficiently giving.

As we grow up, a child who didn't receive enough may find it difficult to give of themselves. This is not hard to understand.

But we usually stop there.

We must move beyond seeing ourselves as helpless in relation to our past. And that we can now establish a new balance.

To better heal the damage of not receiving enough, we must also recognize that a far worse pain of frustration was created when we couldn't give what we had.

By overly focusing on the aspect of lack of receiving, a generation of self-pitying people has been created. They felt shortchanged by life because they didn't receive enough.

As a result, they became parents who were emotionally stunted.

This led to hovering and over-giving in the next generation.

Rather than feeling the pain of their frustration and seeking to find a healthy balance, they created a generation of "helicopter parents."

How we misunderstand love

The continuum of giving and receiving is a soul movement that must flow. For us to be healthy and feel fulfilled, we need to be part of this ongoing process.

We do that by allowing these forces to function. This means we pass positive forces onto others and receive what others are letting flow into us.

So the possibility always exists for us to give in a healthy way. Instead, too often we invite more pain by withholding what we have to give.

This pain is noticeably worse than the pain of not having received enough.

Think of it this way. If more of anything builds up, a tension gets created. And this overfullness is not going to feel good.

So if we are holding back our Real Self because we feel fear, we're going to feel that tension. As such, we are pained as much by our not giving as by whatever it is we complain about not getting.

For a long time, religion has taken the lopsided approach of over-emphasizing giving. It's more blessed to give than to receive.

By constantly stressing the need to give love, give mercy or give understanding, loving seems to be a pious command that is fulfilled by way of sacrifice.

People go on to develop the hidden belief that to love is to impoverish oneself. If we don't suffer in our loving—or shortchange ourselves in some fashion–it's not considered real love.

To this day, many people's unconscious concept of love includes certain actions that go against their own best interests.

In short, love is seen as a pleasureless, sacrificial, depriving act that impoverishes us for the sake of being "good."

No wonder we fear loving.

Why we learn to fear love

Religions have historically also denied the pleasurable feelings that love causes in the body. Such feelings are accused of being sinful.

From this perspective, people have two options. We must either give in to the spontaneous manifestations of these feelings—and become "wicked." Or we must cut out the feelings that make up its force and love as an unpleasant duty.

Love, then—no surprise—is often rejected.

Many people have spurned such a false concept of love, only to swing over to the other extreme. They remain greedy, selfish children who insist on receiving exclusively—without needing to give in the least.

These are the two undesirable extremes that humanity bounces between.

If we search with self-honesty for both sides within, we're apt to find both distortions.

In either case, there must be a fear of self. Otherwise, the natural urge to give abundantly would arise.

We would give as abundantly and generously as all of nature does!

This would happen on the material level, and all the way down to the most subtle levels.

This equation always comes out correct: The greater our natural inclination to give, the less will be our tendencies for self-deprivation, masochistic withholding and suffering.

The more we embrace false giving—through self-impoverishment and lack of self-assertion—the less spontaneous flow of real generosity will there be.

The moment of choice

We can ask ourselves: Where am I holding onto an old grudge or an old perspective that leaves others out due to a resentment or some kind of censorship?

Am I willing to allow a new attitude to surface from the depths of myself? To see things in a new light?

When the latter happens, it does so naturally and not by force.

It makes room for seeing a new reality about someone else that makes the old grudge meaningless. It sees no shame in giving up a useless scrap of pride.

It finds no lack of character in having compassion and forgiving.

This is the way forward.

We must proceed by way of many seemingly small incidents. This is how we loosen the grip of our withholding. For that is responsible for far more pain than any lack of receiving.

Once we get this ball rolling, it will become increasingly easier to allow the natural flow of warm feelings. But at one point, we're going to have to make a choice.

Do I want to stick with my old ways, excluding and resenting and restricting? Or do I want to welcome and follow a new strength from within?

Watch for such decision points. For we need to notice when the point of decision appears.

But rest assured, they will be right there on the surface—easy to spot. These are never lost in our unconscious the way some other material can get lost.

It's just that most of the time, we prefer to gloss over them.

When we find ourselves standing at the point of such a decision, it may feel like we're out on a ledge.

The new way may look scary and risky. The old way—the cold way of separation—may seem safe.

But really, can that even be true?

Giving ourselves over to an apparently new force will be like stepping off into the great unknown. We might be able to sense the liberation of it, but it will still cause us to fear…what's next?

If we can let go enough to give up our destructive attitude—whatever that might be—we will embark on a whole new way of living.

We'll start living from the inside out.

This is the healing we've been seeking and hoping for. This is how it comes about.

It can't come any other way.

Living from the inside out

Let's not kid ourselves, the first steps won't be easy.

We'll hesitate, teetering on the cusp.

This is a good time to notice how we cut ourselves off. How, by tightly holding on, we constrict the flow.

When we see ourselves there, at that cusp, we can become aware of where our options will take us. We can go the old constricting way, with all its rigidity and pat formulas for how things should be.

Or we can sit back and watch new vistas open.

We don't need to pressure ourselves—just observe.

By remembering what each way means, we'll become ready to let go of the old way. The old way refuses life, limits love, and foregoes happiness and unfoldment.

It blocks the giving forth of our riches.

Then we can start to form a new understanding that makes room for others.

If we don't stop the flow, the new way will steadily increase. This beautiful flowing movement contains a self-regulating mechanism that we can trust.

To whatever degree we are willing to let go of our self-centered, self-destructive and self-pitying attitudes, to that degree our fear of self will automatically diminish.

Something new will start to take over from within. Creative powers will spring to life.

We won't keep holding back our own life force.

As a result, we won't keep inflicting painful frustration upon ourselves. We'll be filled with the immense pleasure of following our natural inner movement.

This is how we experience the joy of both giving and receiving.

A closed vessel can't be filled any more than it can be emptied.

As long as we remain in the old, closed position of refusing and isolating, we can't receive.

As long as we won't let go of our self-imposed limitations, we make it impossible to give.

By holding ourselves guarded and tight, we don't actually protect ourselves from danger. What's more, we seal ourselves off from the healthy universal forces—that would love to stream into us.

And they would gladly come streaming out of us.

"My dearest friends, may these words open up the way for you that makes possible the transition you seek so ardently with one part of your nature but still deny yourself with another part.

Perhaps they kindle a spark in you so that you can see and decide, little by little, to relinquish everything that bars the way to your destination.

This destination is complete fulfillment and pleasure supreme.

Be blessed, be in peace, be in God."

–The Pathwork Guide

Next Chapter
Return to Blinded by Fear Contents

Read Original Pathwork Lecture #155: Fear of Self—Giving and Receiving