Have you ever noticed these feelings in yourself: uncertainty, fear, insecurity, guilt, weakness, doubt, negativity, inadequacy or inferiority?
If so, you’re in the right place.
Let’s look at how these relate to our level of self-esteem—or lack of it. This will give us a key for addressing our problems more directly.
A riddle of opposites
We may already be aware of a voice inside saying, “I do not like and respect myself.” In duality, this creates a split. On one side is a half-truth that says: How can I like and accept myself without indulging and justifying all my destructive traits—even those I work so hard to cover up?
On the opposite side is: How can I admit to my petty, destructive ways—to my cruelties and vanities that make me vindictive and unloving—and still maintain my self-respect? How can I be honest but not feel guilt, self-rejection and self-contempt?
In this riddle, we pit admitting an unpleasant truth against self-acceptance.
These seem mutually exclusive—perfect opposites.
We’ll get to the key for unifying this split in a moment. First, let’s explore the conflict a little more.
Some have already uncovered this battle within. Others have not yet. In that case, we can begin by noticing our shyness, our insecurity, and our apprehension about being rejected or criticized.
Maybe we have feelings of uncertainty, inferiority and inadequacy. Perhaps we feel some guilt that makes no sense.
If we aren’t open to this idea of untold bliss, we may be settling for far less than we could experience. Or we stand back in life, feeling vaguely undeserving.
If any of these show up, they point to self-rejection and self-dislike.
When this is going on, we don’t think much of ourselves.
Why change is always possible
We may or may not think in specifics. It’s possible to feel self-disdain without knowing exactly what we dislike in ourselves.
Once we sense a vague lack of esteem and appreciation for ourselves, we are ready to get clearer.
If we really want to find specifics, we will.
It’s just that the recognitions may not surface from where we expect.
This is often how it works on a spiritual path.
Or maybe we’re getting some clarity about some truly regrettable inner attribute. This may make us feel defiant and self-justified.
Because now that we’ve admitted it, we must reject ourselves for it—right?
We don’t distinguish between rejecting a trait and rejecting the person. Instead, we deny, falsify and rationalize. We may even pretend that we like it.
There are many ways we disguise an undesirable trait.
So what’s the key to unlocking this?
How can we confront our undesirable parts without losing our sense of value, our self-worth?
To begin, we must start seeing things a new way. Our life—and we are life, because we are alive—represents all life, all of nature.
And one of the hallmarks of life is that it changes—it expands.
Even the lowliest forms of life—including the most destructive people—can change for the better. If change doesn’t happen right away, that changes nothing. Because one day, things are bound to change. One’s true nature will eventually emerge.
Just knowing this can change everything.
This insight changes despair about ourselves. It opens doors, knowing our potential for good is locked within. No matter how malicious we may be in the moment.
We are, in fact, generous—no matter how mean we are now.
And we are loving, even if we’re selfish today.
We are amazingly strong, despite how weak we may appear—and how often we betray our best selves.
We are truly great, regardless how petty we seem right now.
Just look at nature. It is constantly changing—forever dying and then being reborn. It’s expanding and contracting and pulsating—always moving, always branching out.
This is particularly true for life that is conscious.
And it’s even more true for a life that is self-conscious.
The power we don’t recognize
Our thoughts, our will and our emotions are all more powerful than any inanimate power. Still, look at what power is held in electricity or in atomic energy—both constructive and destructive.
Because where life exists, both possibilities exist.
In the smallest atom—which we could never perceive with our naked eyes—lies the power to release an incredible amount of energy. How much more true this is of power of the mind—the power of thinking, feeling and willing.
Yet we assume the power of inanimate things outpaces our power.
We greatly underrate the powers of humanity. We deserve more respect than can possibly be put into words.
This is true, even if what’s present today is highly undesirable and destructive.
The life that is issuing forth still holds all the potential to turn into constructive channels.
Remember, the source of life is truly inexhaustible.
How we get trapped in error
The changing nature of life is what justifies hope. No matter how hopeless a situation or state of mind appears, there is realistic reason to hope it will change.
To be depressed and hopeless, then, is to be in error. One then negates the very essence of life.
When we’re unhappy, our error of feeling unacceptable grows, compounded by the belief that things are fixed. This, we think, is the way it’s always going to be.
But in reality, life is fluid.
And we’re alive—so we’re fluid.
When we ignore this truth, we box ourselves into a rigid enclosure we think we must stay in forever.
And indeed, we can remain in our self-made prisons a long time.
So we need to ask: Where do I feel hopeless—and why?
Do I think life’s possibilities are too limited? That I don’t deserve a more meaningful life experience? This often hides beneath our life-limiting beliefs.
Am I hopeless about deserving more because—perhaps justifiably—I dislike certain traits in me?
Let’s look at how we let these traits define us.
We have come to believe that the worst thing about us is us. Yet this is the thing we don’t want to change.
Because we don’t believe we can be anything other than that which we dislike. As a result, we hold onto these things.
Otherwise, we would cease to exist.
That’s the heart of the matter. This is why we hold onto destructive traits.
If we see that we do this, we may despair even more.
We can’t help it.
For we don’t understand what motivates us to hold on—deliberately, it seems—to what we hate in ourselves.
We hold on because we genuinely believe that’s who we are. We don’t identify the bad traits—we identify with them.
We’ve mistaken our errors for our essence.
And we think we are in a fixed state—so change is impossible.
We have forgotten that all possibilities exist in us.
This is the trap many are caught in.
If we plant the right seeds with the right care, they will grow. Our consciousness is fertile soil.
Planting the right seeds
Self-esteem can only arise when we can sense our capacity to love—to give. But if we believe such a capacity doesn’t exist in us, we cannot feel this. If we believe we are fixed in the state we are now expressing, we think we can’t change.
Our real loving self then seems foreign to us.
What’s the way out of this vicious circle?
It is knowing that no matter how problematic our life is—no matter how trapped in a struggle we are now—this is just part of the whole story.
The fluidity of life is like a winter stream under a mountain of snow. It is constant in its movement and renewal. And it’s remarkable in the way it is self-renewing.
So things could shift at any moment.
When we don’t know this, we don’t give ourselves—or others—the respect we deserve. As long as we confuse vibrant, ever-changing life with inanimate matter, we will despair.
To wake up from this is like discovering how much life exists in an inanimate object—in a seemingly dead atom.
So nothing—absolutely nothing—that exists in the universe is lifeless.
Even our thoughts are in constant motion. Unless, of course, we ruminate in habitual negativity, self-rejection and unnecessary limitations.
But what if we use our thinking in a new way. Perhaps we can then experience the truth of life’s hopeful changeability. Its possibility to move forward in amazing and mysterious ways.
When we expand our thinking, we take in new perspectives and consider new directions. Before we know it, our new ways of thinking will lift the lid on those old attitudes we now dislike.
Using the word “new” here is a bit of a misnomer. There is not really anything new happening. We’re simply asking for new awareness and being shown it.
If we plant the right seeds with the right care, they will grow.
What’s new here is that we perceive ourselves as fertile soil—before we plant the seed. Fertile soil holds so much potential, whether or not we drop in seeds.
Our consciousness is fertile soil.
Whatever situation we find ourselves in, we always have choices.
Old situations can be met with new reactions.
Or new situations can still be met with old habits.
If we’re not paying attention to what we’re doing, we’ll fall into old patterns. When we complain about every little thing that happens, this is where we are stuck.
But even this can then become fertilizer for growth.
It’s our choice.
We’re often unaware of this inner battle. Yet it has made us fear our instinctual drives and impoverished our souls.
We can never thrive in such a climate of self-rejection.
Religious commands to love won’t resolve this dualistic split. Only through unification—by finding and healing this split—will we no longer confuse self-liking with self-indulgence.
Then honest self-confrontation won’t bring about self-loathing.
This is the true path to peace: to accept what is ugly in ourselves without losing sight of our intrinsic beauty.
Return to Finding Gold Contents
