Our biggest struggle in life is the push and pull we feel between two forces. There is a pull to overcome our loneliness and isolation. This comes from our desire for closeness.

Then there is a push. This stems from our simultaneous fear of having intimate contact with another person.

Often these two forces are equally strong.

As a result, they tear us apart from the inside and create a tremendous strain.

The pain of feeling isolated motivates us to try to escape from it—by becoming closer with someone. Should we appear to be getting somewhere, though, our fear of closeness will erupt.

That makes us pull back again, and push the other away. So the cycle goes with people.

First we erect uncrossable barriers between ourselves and others. Then we knock them back down.

If we’re walking a spiritual path of self-realization, we’ll eventually see the predicament we’re in. Every disturbance, disharmony, and form of suffering we uncover shares the same simple root.

We struggle between desiring closeness—and fearing it.

Yet we insist on holding on to both. That’s what creates the barriers that keep us in separation.

The limits of the thinking mind

Our relationships with other people will only go well when we are motivated by our innermost selves. After all, our will and intellect alone cannot navigate the delicate balance between expressing ourselves and receiving others.

There isn’t any rule that can be made to manage the rhythm of mutual exchange. Our outer mind is out of its depth here.

The ego-mind is also not equipped to negotiate the fine balance needed between asserting ourselves and allowing another to assert themselves. Or between giving and receiving, between being active and being passive.

There are no pat formulas we can lean on.

This doesn’t mean the outer intellect has no value. It can think mechanically, make decisions, and establish rules. But on its own, it lacks the flexibility and intuition needed to meet each moment.

In short, the ego mind doesn’t have the capacity to respond adequately. For that, we need to tap into the core of our being. We must activate our inner command center that’s dynamically responsive.

Then, and only then, can our relationship with someone else be spontaneous and satisfying for both of us.

If we’re not in contact with our core, we won’t be able to function right when life calls for a creative solution. We also won’t be able to reach the inner center of another person.

Yet this is precisely what needs to happen if we want to move out of isolation. For this is what real closeness and real relating are like. Then, intimate self-expressions flow with the stream of life and carry us to a place of vibrant peace.

Anything short of that feels like effort, strain and difficult discipline. Which are not the way to reach the joy of intimacy.

As we may already know, people are terrified of themselves. So we’ll do everything we can to avoid having to look at ourselves.

And yet, any time we move past some specific difficulty and resistance, we discover that our fears weren’t justified. This brings a feeling of relief, and we come more alive.

What’s happening in that moment is we’ve contacted our innermost self. But if we continue to evade ourselves—and our evasions can take many forms—it will be impossible to enjoy real contact with others.

Why our fear of closeness isn’t real

Why do we have so much fear about contacting our own core or the core of someone else? It arises from our deep-seated refusal to give ourselves over to life.

Believe it or not, this is our aim—to hold ourselves back. And it is entirely destructive.

The truth is, if we were willing to give our best to life, we’d never be in conflict. Instead, we all harbor a pile of inner riches and won’t offer them to life.

Often, we’re not completely sure what our assets are. Although even if we do sense them, it doesn’t occur to us to offer them up.

However, once we open the tap of our inner wealth, something must start to happen. A great inner mechanism will spring to life that we have no reason to fear. An inner movement will begin to take place that operates in beautiful order and harmony.

Each of us can move from being an isolated creature—one who withholds their gifts, sometimes leaving them unused—into someone who gives their best to life.

The change such a shift can create will be so drastic, it’s hard to convey it in words. What before was bleak and laborious, filled with fear and strain and loneliness, will become easy and safe, relaxed and bright, and delightfully self-perpetuating.

Things will fall into place automatically.

We’ll come to know a deep feeling of oneness with the world.

But until such a shift takes place, we’ll feel perpetually caught in a whirlpool of wanting and fearing the same thing.

This is what torture feels like.

Opening the flow: Giving ourselves to life

This struggle of wanting and fearing closeness—both with others and with ourselves—can’t be settled with our minds. We can’t just decide to give up one of the two alternatives: closeness or separateness.

It doesn’t work that way.

The only way out is to surrender our destructive aims. Then the best of who we are will come tumbling forth. And we will see that the only thing we have to fear is our own destructiveness.

Give up this destructiveness and find the key to life.

It will help if we can devote a few minutes a day to thoughts like this: “Whatever I am already, I want to give to life. I want to make the best use of who I am and what I have to give.

I do not know yet what this even means, and what I do know may not be quite right. I am open to allowing greater wisdom to arise from deep within me and to guide me.

I will leave it to life to decide what a fruitful exchange would look like. For whatever I give to life, comes from life. I want to return my gifts to the great cosmic pool so they can be shared with others and bring benefits to them.

I know that this, in turn, will also enrich my own life, to the same measure I am willing to give. For truly, life and I are one.

When I hold back from life, I withhold also from myself. When I hold back from others, I also withhold from myself.

Whatever I am, whatever is in me, let it flow into life. Whatever more is still waiting to be discovered, I desire to put that also to constructive use. I want to enrich the world around me.”

With this approach of deliberately pursuing thoughts like this—and deeply meaning them—our problems will disappear like fog in the sun. Pain will go away and solutions will appear, even to problems that previously seemed unsolvable.

This is a promise.

If, on the other hand, we feel a tight inner no-current when we speak words like these, then we now know what’s causing the pain we feel in our isolation and in our relating to others.

Note, these two things operate as a team. To whatever degree we suffer from isolation, to that same degree we’ll have problems in our relationships. Further, to the extent we resist pulling ourselves out of isolation, to that extent isolation will feel painful.

It’s hard to visualize the potentials hidden inside when we are locked in painful seclusion. The key lies in following our desire to offer what we have to give.

This is what releases the lock.

So before we’ve even fully experienced the powers within, we can deliberately call on them. Just knowing they exist will activate them and allow us to use them constructively.

Seeing ourselves clearly

Our second approach will be to meet every situation with total honesty. It’s not enough to look at situations superficially. For when we only pay shallow attention to ourselves, we’re likely to overemphasize our secondary positive goals and overlook our more powerful destructive aims.

We must pay attention to every aspect we notice so we can discover what our real attitude is.

For if everything’s not going great for us, not everything in us is constructive.

Where could we be more sincere? More fair?

This will bring our outer situation into alignment with our inner experience. Because it will allow us to create a deeper connection with the divine powers that are lying dormant.

We need both of these approaches if we hope to have an effect. They both have great value.

Some might be tempted to only work on activating their hidden powers. Others might concentrate on meeting themselves fully so as to eliminate their destructiveness. Pursuing only one approach, though, is a half-measure that will lead to limited results.

It’s so easy to overlook what’s going on inside ourselves. We need to see our negativity, yes, but we also need to improve our awareness of our positive potentials.

Lack of awareness leads to limited chance for success. But if we do both together, we’ll see a tremendous power come to life. At the same time, we can reinforce our desire to contribute to life in whatever way we can.

In the end, when we activate our inner being, peace, safety and wonderful aliveness are sure to follow.

The belief that keeps us divided

We are under the mistaken impression that if we contribute more to life, we’ll deprive ourselves. This—as one can readily imagine—creates a barrier to wanting to give to life.

Conversely, we often wrongly believe that only by grabbing for what we want, can we nourish ourselves. Our sole concern, then, should be at attain our own little advantage

This, we think, is the way to land our desires and pleasure. Such ingrained ideas motivate us to behave the way we do.

But then here comes trouble—and with it, frustration.

Because the falseness behind these convictions makes us act, think and feel in ways that are damaging to everyone—us included. Since we’re often unaware of how powerful this wrong conviction is—sometimes not even realizing it’s wrong—we don’t understand why our efforts fail.

As a result, we become increasingly confused. We keep setting off painful chain reactions, but we don’t understand what makes them operate.

Here’s our basic error: we think this is a “me versus the other” world.

But it’s never me versus the other.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

It will be helpful if we can meditate on all the places this error shows up in our lives. We need to see how much this belief is playing out on the level of our ego.

Our goal is to try to comprehend, from another level of our being, how the opposite is true.

For that’s the truthful view.

Replacing the “me versus you” mindset

It’s time to confront this mistaken concept of the ego with a deeper knowing—a deeper truth. Which is that only by desiring to give to life—to add something to creation—can we experience pleasure.

There is no pleasure we can think of that needs to be denied us. This understanding will set the wheels of our psyche into motion, going in a positive direction.

We’ll start moving in a constructive direction.

Then, even the highest pleasure can and will manifest for us. For we will activate our own selves—but not as a selfish move.

Over time, we’ll replace the incorrect “me versus the other” attitude—which leads to isolation—with “me and the other.”

When our psyche becomes geared toward “me and the other,” the apparent conflict between giving and receiving will disappear.

So we will no longer refuse to give to life.

Deep sorrow and suffering, then, will also cease. Guilt and frustration will be no more. The vicious circle in which we suffer from isolation, reach out, succeed and then push people away, will end.

Our struggle will be over.

On and on we’ve been doing this: We eliminate barriers because the pain of isolation has become unbearable, only to set up new barriers because we’re overwhelmed by our fear of closeness.

Where does this fear of closeness even come from?

It comes from that wrong conviction that we have to save ourselves from being annihilated. But we only hold this perspective of life’s malignant nature to whatever extent our own deepest aims are malignant.

Our work is to break down this vicious circle that pits us against life’s malignancy, as though we need to do battle with life. And this can only be broken down by wanting to contribute generously to life.

Then will we find out that life is safe—it’s benign.

Just like our innermost self. No more and no less.

Why we fear losing control

As long as our psyche is geared to go in a negative direction, we’ll fear intimate contact. Being in a relationship, then, will seem frightening.

For who’s it going to be—me or the other?

Who will win?

If it feels frightening to pursue our destructive aims—which it will—everything becomes dangerous. It’s dangerous to explore ourselves, it’s dangerous to make contact with someone, and it’s especially dangerous to give ourselves up to the bliss of union.

That we must desperately avoid.

Because it threatens to cost us our control. And without our control, our destructive tendencies could take over—and that could mean annihilation.

Giving up control, then, looks a lot like death.

It seems we will be giving up our safety if we give up our self-will.

This is what really goes on as long as we hang on to our destructive aims—as long as we offer them a safe haven in our psyche. It is also why it seems, to the immature psyche, that the only smart thing to do is to build barriers around the self.

This is the only way to keep ourselves intact.

The built-in tragedy is this: as long as our destructive goals go unchecked, isolation begins to feel like identity. It seems like the safest way to preserve ourselves.

But in fact, the only way that loss of control leads to death or loss of self-power is in this negative context. Ultimately, the endgame of this conflict is mental disturbance.

The paradox: Letting go creates real power

When we switch from believing in a “me versus other” world to “me and the other”—and therefore want to give to life—we won’t fear loss of control. Because letting go of ego control will actually lead to having more control, and in a healthier, fuller sense.

For a constructive psyche can be trusted to be spontaneous and free. It can give itself up to inner powers that cooperate with life.

So we can flow with life and enjoy the unity of all that is.

This means when we ask the little ego to give up control, we get something even better in return. For we will be activating the constructive powers that live deep at the core of our soul. And those powers make us more capable of determining our own fate—in the best possible way.

We only need that tight inner gripping when our psyche is riddled with negativity.

But tight holding on prevents union and free self-expression.

Because joyful living can only happen in a relaxed state.

Hoping to avoid a disaster, many people hold on with ever tightening control. The big danger is that we will eventually exhaust our psyche until it lets go in a long process of extended self-alienation.

We begin to see the paradox: letting go leads to greater control, while clinging to control leads to losing it.

It’s like this with all great spiritual truths—on the surface of things they seem contradictory.

If we want to perceive the unity of these contradictions, we’ll have to use our deep inner listening. We can’t grasp this with outer ears linked directly to our ego mind.

In other words, our intellect can only take us so far.

In order to verify such statements, we’ll have to live their truth. And this can only be done by following the steps of our spiritual path.

Seeing the futility of our defenses

The threshold we must cross to move from self-alienation to harmony may seem daunting.

In truth, we make it harder than it needs to be.

There we stand, wanting to leave our place of isolation and greed, where we demand the most from everyone else. But we fear people aren’t going to comply with us. Further, we think that they, in turn, are going to demand from us what seems dangerous to give.

If we stay stuck at this juncture, we will indeed feel deeply troubled.

How do we get to the other side of this? How do we cross this threshold?

We must think deeply about this situation and these words. And we will need to use more than our mind alone.

We must consider the truth of “me and the other.”

And we must come to see that it’s not true we’re safer if we keep pursuing negative aims.

That hoping to defeat everyone is not the road to glory. We must reach the point where our negative aims are clear—even to us.

It’s only then that we will see how futile our struggle has been.

It will become obvious that our approach hasn’t been working—and it never will. We don’t have to keep using means that create separation.

Because what we are is good.

There is no need for these barriers and defenses.

We can begin to offer up our goodness. As we do, this new knowledge will come that it’s safer to be wholly who we are.

The shift that changes everything

The entire human struggle hinges on this mistaken belief in “me versus the other.” When we start to digest this, this simple truth will set us free.

We can make the first step toward liberty by meditating on these words:

“I am ready to give up this wrong notion that it’s ‘me versus the other.’ There really isn’t a conflict, so I can give all of myself to life.

I ask for help from deep within. And I decide to give my best—without fear. Any fear I am harboring is in error.

I decide to rid myself of this error and open myself instead to the divine powers that are waiting to guide me.

I want to see the truth that ‘I am one with others,’ which means there’s no conflict between us.

I surrender.

I wish to allow higher forces to lead me to harmony, in rightness, without effort or strain.”

If we meditate like this, we’ll increase the light within. Our difficulties will disappear in exact proportion to our embracing of this attitude.

We must feel and live this key to life. Then everything else will come.

How we create our own “luck”

Try applying this beautiful formula to a specific problem in life. For if we look closely, we’ll see that every problem can be brought down to a simple common denominator: We fear giving of ourselves, and instead are feeding a destructive attitude.

This is why we have the problem.

The trouble is, our withholding and our belief in “me versus the other” set off negative chain reactions—and they really are damaging to us. This makes it look like our wrong conclusion that “it’s me versus the other” was right.

This snowballs until our problems turn into avalanches.

For many of us, we have the peculiar experience of creating positive self-perpetuating chain reactions in one part of life. There, everything proceeds fairly easily. Meanwhile, in our problem areas, people and life respond in an opposite way.

Here’s what we don’t realize: in these two areas, we have completely different responses to life.

It’s our own outlook that is responsible for our “good luck” or “bad luck.” We’re the ones pulling the strings that determine fulfillment or frustration.

That’s why it’s so important we take the time to figure out what we actually think and feel.

Self-confrontation is our way through to the other side.

Giving up our resistance is our key.

Giving is the law of life

Good can’t exist on its own, in isolation. That’s just the nature of anything good.

It has to communicate—it has to include others.

Yet we fear offering our best. And this holding back creates tension and anxiety in us.

From here, it appears safer to remain unproductive and barren. We feel uncomfortable receiving, but that’s only because we fear giving of ourselves.

In this immature state, we have this childish, selfish aim to receive as much as we can and give as little as possible. This of course can never happen. Not only because it’s an unfair deal for everyone else, but because it doesn’t correspond to truth and to spiritual law.

These laws can’t be broken—they contain their own order.

It’s a simple mathematical equation really. We will no longer feel cheated by life when we no longer cheat life by withholding from life.

Each of us can use this formula to our advantage. We should use it as much as we can.

We should want to use it!

It holds healing power for transforming a dull life into a dynamic one.

It will lead us out of aloneness and into abundance in every respect. Test the truth of these words, and life will reveal its limitless possibilities.

“Be in peace, be in yourself, in God!”

–The Pathwork Guide

Read Original Pathwork Lecture #138: The Human Predicament of Desire for, and Fear of, Closeness