People are funny. We’re each a particular blend of shortcomings and weaknesses, jumbled up with a desire to be perfect. This jarring combination creates a hidden belief that we all share, regardless of geography, historical time period or environment.

It goes like this: “If I can just get enough approval or attention or admiration, my worth will be established in the eyes of the world, as well as in my own eyes. If I can’t get it, then I really am inferior.”

We might not think this out loud, but still, it’s there in our emotions and so also in the way we behave. But believing this doesn’t make it true. In fact, it’s an illusion. The whole purpose of doing this spiritual work of self-discovery is to free ourselves from illusion.

No illusion, in any form, can ever bring us peace, harmony or freedom. Just the opposite. Whatever is illusory is bound to create trouble. This particular illusion sends out massive ripples of cascading chain reactions and harmful effects.

Believe it or not, spirit beings can actually hear our souls shrieking for attention when they approach Earth. Since all human souls are clamoring for attention, just imagine how noisy this place is.

All emotions produce some kind of sound. Even though we can’t hear it with our ears, our souls are a noisy lot. The loud voices that claim self-importance make a disharmonious racket.

This widespread, unconscious misunderstanding—or as the Guide calls it, this mass image—about self-importance shows up differently for each of us, depending on things like temperament, education and environment.

Sometimes it’s very noticeable, and sometimes it’s very subtle. A more obvious demand doesn’t necessarily reflect a less developed soul, as it’s often just a matter of how much has been suppressed.

But if we look for it, we’ll find this part of us that wants to be elevated to first place. We want to be special. But it’s not enough to call this pride.

Rather, it’s the deeper belief that if we are special, our feelings of inferiority will disappear. It’s the belief that if others are on our team, agreeing with whatever we think or believe, we’ll become worthy. Finally.

But of course, most of us have also found out by now that no matter how much we’re approved of, the relief doesn’t last. The feeling of “success” is temporary, at best. This leads to more compulsiveness to be special, not less.

What’s happening is that we are using prideful behaviors—presenting ourselves as better than the rest—to save ourselves from a make-believe disaster. This is why just seeing our pride in action is not enough to completely disentangle the problem. We must also uncover the hidden inner demand to feel special.

The source of the problem is within

To get to the core of this problem, we’ll need to hear our own inner voice shrieking for approval. We have to catch it in action, shouting to be heard. We need to ask ourselves: what’s my demand? When we find the answer, we’ll become aware of this hidden clamoring for self-importance.

This demand does a lot of damage. It is responsible for bringing us many of our conflicts and difficulties. Until we know this, we won’t have the incentive we need to find and eliminate it.

It can be hard to uncover because, even though everyone has this, it doesn’t show up the same way in everyone. One frequent aim is seeking out material wealth and power, thinking surely that will cement their stature in the eyes of the world.

But some focus on other values—like a particular talent or accomplishment—for gaining approval and admiration. Others might go for high intelligence, good character, or loyalty and decency. Often, it’s some combination of attributes.

There’s even a category of people who use misfortune or sickness as a way to gain sympathy, with sympathy standing in for approval.

We mistakenly believe that we stand or fall depending on what other people think of us. Without the world’s approval, we are lost. In short, we have no firm ground under our feet.

The answer, however, is not to simply go the other way and act like we don’t care what others think of us. Or worse, to try to go in two opposite directions at once—not caring what others think while, at the same time, wanting their approval. This happens more often than we might realize.

Resorting to “I don’t care what people say” is merely rebellion. And when we’re rebelling, we’re still in bondage. This is not the right way to go about freeing ourselves. Because, in fact, what we’re actually rebelling against is the fact that we’re dependent on the world’s opinion.

The real remedy lies in figuring out why we feel so bound up to begin with. What is the mistaken belief we’re sitting on that has us imprisoned? When we find this, we can set ourselves free from a compulsive need for approval.

Since other people’s favorable opinion is never going to be our salvation, we can stop trying so hard. We can also stop selling ourselves out to get approval. That, more than anything else, leads to feelings of inferiority.

This image leads to so much inner turmoil. We can’t possibly please everyone and be true to our own life plan. More than that, it’s not possible to please all people.

When we feel dependent on needing approval, and then are forced to take a stand on something that makes it impossible to be approved of by everyone, our soul gets twisted into knots. That’s when we sell our soul. At some point, we have all done this.

The roots of betrayal

Here’s something else that, at some point or other, has happened to each one of us: betrayal. We may have shown the utmost decency and loyalty, and yet—despite how good we were—we were betrayed.

And then, adding salt to the wound, the offender may have turned around and justified their behavior, claiming they were the one who was betrayed. What a shock. And deep disappointment.

When this happens, we end up doubly hurt. We are accused of having done the very thing we experienced as the victim. This makes the situation even harder to bear, because the pain of being falsely accused is worse than the betrayal itself.

We search inside and can’t see how we are to blame. But yet, a deep uncertainty persists. Why did this happen?

If we’ve gone a ways down any spiritual path, we’ll come to realize this truth: no mishap ever happens to us that we have not, in some way, caused.

Intellectually, we might know this is true, and we may have confirmed it through our own personal discoveries. Still, when something like this kind of betrayal happens, we’re stumped. What’s the connection to us? Where is the cause in me?

The trail of crumbs involved leads us back to the mass image of self-importance. It all starts with our version of this mistaken, unconscious belief that makes us fight to be in first place, to be special. This fight, we believe, will give us what we need: approval.

Well, in order to get to first place, our actions are going to need to be anything but decent. We must sacrifice loyalty and decency. We must be willing to be ruthless and selfish. Also, to betray whatever is in our way, including the very people or things we deeply desire to be loyal to. We must do whatever we must to “win.”

But we are decent and honest people. We consciously work to be that way. Oh, we are vaguely aware that we want that prized approval oh-so-much. The temptation pulls at us. But we don’t give it much attention, because that’s not how we’re “supposed” to behave. We follow our conscience and don’t give in to the temptation.

Good boys and girls that we are, we cover up those feelings mighty quick. We don’t want to acknowledge this inner climate where we want so desperately to be on top.

We don’t act on it, we don’t acknowledge it, and in the end, we aren’t aware it exists. Instead, we go the extra mile to offset its influence by scrupulously proving our decent side in our actions.

The result of this hidden inner battle is far different from what we expect. Shocking, even. We are betrayed and then accused of some act we did not do.

What is happening here?

We are creative beings. We create our outer experience, in every moment, from all our actions, including our thoughts, beliefs, and emotions. This includes those we are conscious of and those below our conscious awareness. Our unconscious beliefs and emotions are vastly more powerful than our conscious ones.

What happens in the world reflects an unalterable spiritual law: Outer results must respond to the impulses that are most powerful, which are always the unconscious ones. If the battle we are fighting is not brought up to our conscious awareness, the events in our lives will follow as though the selfish side has won out.

Uncovering powerful unconscious beliefs

Don’t believe it? Start paying attention to how life is not serving you what you consciously want. Then start doing the work of healing, which involves uncovering what lies smoldering in the unconscious. When we do this, we start to experience for ourselves the utter truth of these teachings.

Does this seem unjust? Maybe you think: “as long as I don’t give in to that temptation, I shouldn’t experience consequences as though I did! Aren’t my outer actions what matter?”

In a word, no. Feelings are also actions, just showing up differently and with slower results. Everything we think and all our attitudes—whether they’re conscious or not—are definite acts. But the more unconscious they are, the bigger the consequence. Hence the puzzling outcome.

When we turn and directly face our negative side, we are displaying the bravest emotion there is: self-honesty. There is no shame in needing to face this inner battle. It’s to our credit that we are willing to go there. We’ll be much more efficient in our efforts if we will let all this enter our conscious mind.

By understanding the laws at work, we’ll no longer feel an injustice has occurred, and our hurt will lessen significantly. Best of all, there’s a good chance that such betrayals and accusations won’t come our way again or hurt as much.

Once we wrestle our negative side into the light of awareness it loses its power. Should such an event happen again we won’t react in the same way. Instead, we’ll learn and end up feeling strengthened, not weakened. We will see the experience as constructive and may even be able to steer the course of events into a positive direction.

The connection with the God-image

Humanity has another powerful mass image at work: a badly distorted inner impression of God. We all have our own unique version of this, our God-image.

And it gets all tangled up with our image of self-importance.

Briefly, our God-image stems from early childhood when we run into conflict with authority. We learned that the highest authority—even higher than our parents—is God. It’s not a surprise that we bundle up all our painful subjective experiences with the people who say no to us, and put them on God.

As children, authority figures were cropping up everywhere—but most notable were our parents. When they stopped us from doing whatever it was we enjoyed most, we viewed them as hostile. Or maybe they indulged us, and let us get away with our tantrums.

To whatever degree we experienced fear and frustration, to that same degree we’ll fear and be frustrated by God. It’s not hard to imagine that for many people, God is believed to be punishing, severe and unjust—a contrary force we must grapple with. Or God is imagined as an indulgent pushover.

These two mass images often, when taken together, develop a painful vicious circle and short circuit in the soul.

The mass image of self-importance says: “I must be in first place and gain special importance.” Deep in the unconscious, this mistaken belief feels existential: if I win, I live. If I lose, I die.

At the same time, the young part of us earnestly tries to be the good boy or girl. We must be so very, very good to avoid angering a wrathful God. This mistaken belief also feels existential: if I’m “good,” I live. If I’m “bad,” I’m guilty and I die.

On the one hand, we strive to be “better than” to avoid being inferior. We’ll do anything it takes to win. But then, because of religious mass images of a wrathful God, we feel guilty. And inferior.

The more we strive for approval—through the mass image of self-importance—to avoid the abyss of inferiority, the more guilty and inferior we feel. The guiltier and more inferior we feel, the stronger the compulsion to strive for approval.

This vicious circle tears us apart.

Dissolving the vicious circle

The only way out is to surface our hidden beliefs and emotional reactions associated with these two mass images. Exposing the vicious circle operating inside will then clearly show us that our unconscious beliefs and emotions are vastly more powerful than our conscious ones.

By recognizing this inner clamoring to be special, and seeing how it has governed us, we take a major step forward toward inner freedom. Any time we feel unjustly treated but can’t see any wrongdoing on our part, we need to search in this direction.

Our desire to feel special isn’t due to malice or because we want to belittle someone else—who, of course, would automatically become smaller if we were to become bigger. Nor is it done out of pride, just for the sake of pride.

No, what we are grappling with here is a mistaken notion that to be special means to survive. Don’t get caught in unkind self-accusations.

It’s just that we’ve been harboring a wrong idea for a very long time. By seeing this trend, we can free ourselves from depending on other people’s opinion of us.

Our emotional wellbeing depends only on our own opinion of ourselves. Conversely, the more we cater to what others think, the less we will think of ourselves, deep in our soul.

We each need to look closely for this hidden belief that causes us so much suffering and makes us pull away from our friends and loved ones. When we find it, we will enter into reality, and our entire outlook on life will change.

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Adapted from original Pathwork^® Guide Lecture #57: The Mass Image of Self-Importance

Read more in Bones: A building-block collection of 19 fundamental spiritual teachings, Chapter 14: Exposing the mistaken image we have about God  | Listen to podcast