Taking in this information with our mind can feel taxing. It may take time—possibly years—before we reach the inner levels where these teachings apply. When we encounter our own inner conflict, then these words will really make sense.

Then we will understand what it means that there is a difference between intellectual and emotional understanding. For now, simply listen for a deep inner echo from what is being shared here.

A seed may be sown that will bear wonderful fruit later.

The future seems better—until we get there

We all struggle to stay present in each moment.

We rarely live in the Now.

We push into the future or pull ourselves back into the past. Often, we go in both directions at once. Either way, we strain away from what is here now.

Only by living in the Now are we living in reality. However we imagine the future to be, it may never happen the way we hope—or fear.

Suppose, for a moment, it were possible to get our future fantasy exactly right. We’re still in illusion, because that is then, and we are here now.

It is the same with the past.

Suppose we had perfect recollection—which, of course, we never do. We’re still experiencing another segment of time.

Reality—what is happening now—is not fixed.

Everything is in flux.

We like our imagined time in the future and the past, so we choose to live there. We also become stuck there because of our misconceptions. We are afraid to let go and go with the natural flux of time in each moment.

If we trusted the natural flow of time, we could come into harmony with it. Then we wouldn’t feel the need to try to constantly manipulate it.

We wouldn’t waste time fearing the future or waiting for fulfillment to happen there. Nor would we keep dipping into the past for it.

Oddly, we don’t trust ourselves to be present when the future arrives.

This is not entirely illogical.

After all, we’re not doing very well at finding fulfillment right now by being present with what is. Whatever untruth we are holding onto is obstructing us right now.

Rather than face it, we jump away from it—into another time.

This seems like an easy way out.

Making peace with time

We are beginning to grasp how time flows, following certain rhythms. We see this movement in the seasons, the transition from day to night, the shifting positions of planets as they orbit through space.

These movements all create waves that we can sense, just as we sense the effects of astrological influences.

Individually, we are aware that we go through good times and bad times. What we take on during good times tends to unfold more smoothly.

We are freer than usual, even despite ongoing problems.

We are hopeful and able to feel fulfilled.

Then we move into the downward curve of the wave. In those times, it seems we can do nothing right.

This happens to everyone.

These fluctuations arise from disharmony we have created in our relationship with time. If we’re willing to look at and learn from our negativity and the resulting bad times, they will lead to understanding—and eventually to victory.

Then the downward times won’t be experienced as depressing or upsetting.

If we can use our time in this way, living in the reality of each moment, life will yield adventure, peace and harmony. This peace—this inner anchor—cannot truly be described in words.

And it can’t possibly be replaced by any other goal.

To be present now, we must have a sense of ourselves and be grounded in reality. For many, we think this is already true about us. But upon closer inspection, we discover something else.

 We need only sit quietly for a few minutes in meditation to observe the mind’s tendency to jump to any moment but this one.

Discovery is always the first step.

In our process of self-finding, we often unearth hidden currents in ourselves that run counter to what we thought was true. Then we begin to see how these have undermined so many chances for a happy life full of meaning.

Finding these currents can never harm us. It’s not seeing them that does all the damage.

We will eventually come to see that this is so.

Signs of our shift

What other symptoms indicate a lack of living in the Now? One clear example is not experiencing our own death as a reality.

It’s neither morbid nor negative to conceive of our own mortality. It’s not a burden, nor is it depressing or fear-producing.

None of these common beliefs are true.

It also doesn’t diminish the enjoyment of the present moment, regardless of what one believes about life after death.

Quite the opposite, in fact.

Those who do not connect with the reality of their limited life span are morbidly afraid of death. Because if we cannot feel our death as real, we also can’t feel our aliveness as real.

These are two sides of the same coin.

Here’s another indicator of a lack of self-identification. We may have a fleeting sense that our thoughts, feelings, or words are more important than they actually are.

We subtly shift ourselves for effect.

This is hard to catch. But once we do, it shows that we are more identified with the other than with ourselves.

We are focused on impressing more than expressing. If we need them to see us a certain way, we are living our lives through them.

We then depend on the other for our sense of reality.

Along these same lines, let’s not take these teachings as reprimands that ask us to change quickly. Doing so can keep us identified with a source or authority outside ourselves.

Our goal is simply to see wherever we are shifting our identification to outside ourselves. Then we can greet such awareness as a signpost on a well-marked road that can bring us to deeper understanding of ourselves.

What we need changes as we grow

Let’s drop deeper into the topic of self-identification.

When a baby is born and starts to grow up, it does not yet have a strong enough ego to care for itself. We depend on the more powerful adult world.

We understand this, especially on the physical level.

Children need food, protection and a place to live.

But there are other levels on which a child is also dependent, including the emotional, intellectual and spiritual.

Children need love just as much as they need to eat.

And they can’t get either, all on their own.

Love is an essential ingredient in life. As adults, if we are mature, we do not wait helplessly for someone to give it to us. Love comes through our own capacity to love and relate.

If we are truly mature, we won’t feel insecure or helpless if we don’t have love. So if we find ourselves feeling insecure in ourselves, it is because some part of us is still emotionally immature.

For the child, having a weak ego is a reality.

For an adult, being dependent on others for love is not in reality. Some part of us is stuck back in time, as a child.

In truth, we should be no more dependent on others for love than for physical survival.

In a similar way, children can’t yet form their own ideas. They are not equipped to parse the difference between reason, common sense and logic, or to see what the opposite of these is.

They depend on adults to give them the principles and ideas that will guide them in growing up. If we withhold sound principles and ideas from children, this doesn’t make them more independent.

No, starve a child and they won’t become magically more capable of getting themselves fed. Likewise, if we don’t give them love, they won’t become better equipped to love.

Obviously, the opposite is true.

Indeed, it is only through the organic process of growing up that a child is gradually able to cut financial ties so they can stand on their own. They will also develop their capacity for loving so they don’t depend on love being given to them.

They will discern among ideas so they can discard the ones they don’t accept. Or maybe they will come back to the same ideas after re-discovering them on their own.

Through a process such as this, we establish our soul and spirit. We gracefully break the bond of dependency with our parents, doing so in a healthy way, even if the parents have a hard time letting go.

Identifying with our parents

When a child remains burdened with problems that didn’t get resolved during childhood, they may desire to not cut the cord. Instead, they try to keep it alive, sometimes in precarious or hidden ways.

Wires can get crossed here.

Too often, someone who is emotionally independent will be seen as isolating. Another who withdraws from involvement—while frantically holding onto dependency—may be seen as the loving one.

But the opposite is what’s true.

What a mature person does is to stand on their own two feet. Such a stable stance creates the possibility for mutual exchange in relationship.

Children benefit greatly from having a good role model for molding their ego. This is what later allows them to stand freely.

But if the good example tries to perpetuate the child’s identification with themselves, they prevent the child from identifying with their own selves.

If the parent “succeeds,” the child will grow up wanting to become the parent with whom they identify so favorably—instead of wanting to grow up and find themselves.

This can also happen in reverse regarding the parent a child hates and doesn’t want to be like. In this type of negative identification, the child fears ever being like the hated parent.

But they are suspicious they might be.

There’s a vague sense, then, that maybe this parent is desirable, despite being despised.

This can be quite shocking to realize.

Such a tie to an undesirable parent may be harder to break than the tie to a cherished parent.

So as parents, we want to foster a healthy identification with our children that gradually lets go. This allows the child to evolve and learn to identify with themselves.

As adults, if we can see that we are still caught in either positive or negative identification, we have taken the first step toward finding our true selves.

Identifying with a cause or group

If we grow up and don’t develop identification with ourselves, we will create substitutes for the parents we originally identified with. Often, we do not identify with an individual, but a national, religious or political group.

It’s possible we will find a minority group to identify with so we can rebel against the majority.

Conformity results from this need to identify with someone who is more powerful. This can also show up as nonconformity, especially if one makes too big a point of it.

Ironically, a rebelling minority will believe that they are free, given the way they appear to defy conformity and all.

But any time we feel a strong need to prove something, we can be sure there are flaws underneath.

Truly free people don’t need to make a big show of it.

There is no need to be militant about things.

Causes are another magnet that people may be drawn to identify with. But no matter how good the actual cause may be, it can be harmful to use it as a substitute for self-identification.

The problem is not that one embraces a worthy cause.

For certainly, this can be done from a place of inner freedom. But if it’s done to give us something to lean on because inside, we are still a weak child, our motivation will be off.

The point is not to separate ourselves from all ideas, groups, loyalties or causes. That would be isolation and in fact even irresponsible as a member of society.

Note the crucial difference here. We can embrace something from healthy inner conviction. Then our strength comes from within.

Or we can attach ourselves to a worthy cause to fill a dry well inside.

These may look the same from the outside, but they are not at all the same.

The cord must be cut

When we talked about self-alienation, we were talking about an effect.

Failure to identify with oneself is the cause.

This is indicated any time we find ourselves feeling emotionally dependent on someone else. It is also present whenever we fear others will not give us what we need or expect—financial help, approval, love or acceptance.

Of course there is a natural need for human interdependence. But this doesn’t make us feel anxious, as though our lifeblood comes from outside ourselves.

That’s neither natural nor necessary.

And it weakens a person, rather than strengthening them.

It’s like not having had our emotional and spiritual umbilical cord cut. The self cannot keep growing if it remains in the mother’s womb.

To be capable of further growth, a baby has to evolve.

The cord must be cut.

When a lack of selfhood exists and we find ourselves dependent on others, we are bound to find that we are also using others.

We then live a parasitic life.

We pretend to love when we are only in need, and we use people to keep ourselves from sinking. Our sense of reality comes only from what is reflected back to us by others.

We have no reality of our own.

The more we use the ones we need, the weaker we get, and the more we believe we need others to strengthen us.

We also use others, subtly, when we feel we must be in control. We need to see how we fear loss of control. We destroy our relationships by making them a battleground for control.

It becomes a fight for survival that undermines mutuality and fulfillment. Our need for control makes us manipulate everyone—including how everyone feels.

We can use our need for stringent control—of others, of situations, of relationships—as a direct cue to see that we are, in that moment, not identifying with ourselves.

This is a great launching point for uncovering the nucleus of our deliberate self-denial—the kernel that leads to so much unnecessary hardship.

From here, we can come to bring out our Real Self. Fortunately, that part is far easier than finding the negative conditions.

There are riches contained in every soul.

They are there for the asking.

We sense this but often turn the wrong way.

If we can learn to tap this inner wealth, we can stop straining away from the present moment and from feeling like a stranger to ourselves.

It starts by seeing where we are clinging, depending on others in one way or another. We can then find the cord that we so far have refused to cut so that the object of our attachment could not take root in our own being.

Once we establish these roots, it will not be difficult to cut those ties and grow into ourselves.

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Read Original Pathwork^® Lecture: #113 Identification with the Self