There is a feature in the human personality that is the opposite of the pull.

It’s called frustration.

Like so many human attitudes, it can go in a couple of erroneous and conflicting directions—and neither is good. Because if one extreme is wrong, moving toward the opposite extreme is never the solution.

So then neither of our typical reactions to frustration—denouncing happiness or intensely making rigid demand—is going to bring us satisfaction.

In fact, our wrong attitude about frustration lures us into a dark place that impairs relationships, self-respect and inner peace. 

 

Frustration starts early

Let’s link up frustration with the pleasure principle, that innate inner desire we all have to strive towards life, pleasure and wholeness. We will need to go back to infancy to sort this one out, because that is where this all begins.

Babies are hardwired to strive for pleasure. But they aren’t capable of tolerating any frustration.

Frustration is what babies experience when gratification is delayed—because they have no awareness that there is a future.

If the baby psyche doesn’t mature, it will get stuck in this frustrating attitude of “I want it now.” From here we enter into an apparent contradiction: the less we can endure frustration, the less we can have pleasure.

For example, when we rigidly insist on something, we lose the pleasure we were hoping to gain. Because the act of our striving—typically by way of a forcing current—will make it impossible to get what we want. Or when we do succeed, our tense inner state will prevent us from enjoying it. 

In reality, for real pleasure to be felt, we must have a relaxed inner state.

With the benefit of a flexible inner climate, we’ll produce a positive, life-affirming attitude. This will include all of reality—both the satisfaction of getting what we want and the reality that we can’t always get what we want.

But if we rebel against any delay in gratification, we’ll end up angry, tense and stubborn. And these prevent us from tapping into life’s pleasure stream.

Our great error is that we believe having what we want is more important—more capable of giving us pleasure—than having a peaceful state of mind.

As a result, we totally misunderstand the importance of being able to tolerate frustration.

We then jump to unhelpful responses like martyrdom, abstinence and resignation. Or we may put on a mask of “spirituality,” pretending we are serene. And these make pleasure impossible.

All we gain, then, is a feeling of hopelessness. 

The ego has a job to do

For human beings, pleasure is not optional.

It will come to us either through genuinely pleasurable channels or by way of distorted, negative avenues. It’s a byproduct of being in the cosmic stream and can’t possibly be considered unimportant.

But insisting on it with a do-or-die attitude that can’t tolerate even a small amount of frustration is not the right way to seek pleasure.

What’s the way out? We must learn to let go. We need to allow ourselves to postpone having our own way, but without giving up on the possibility of fulfillment. Only then will we create the right inner climate for the cosmic flow to stream forth. 

In other words, we must learn to relax

Letting go and relaxing is not the same as relinquishing forever. We’re talking about the subtle but strong power of gently letting go.

We can relax right into pleasure.

This may sound obscure if we’ve not felt this before—maybe even contradictory. But once we’ve had an inkling of this, we’ll grasp the power of this concept and want to learn to use it deliberately.

We can apply this to just about anything—to big wishes and little ones. All it takes is an awareness of an inner tension and a willingness to relax into an attitude of wise, positive reasonableness.

It also takes some humility.

We want to keep on seeking fulfillment, but without hanging onto it for dear life.

The problem is that anger and self-pity can feel “good.” They are energizing—even if unpleasant—and can therefore be a nice substitute for satisfaction.

This means there’s a great temptation to remain tense.

The ego has a job to do here.

Yes, the ego must make it its business to constructively let go. A tiny point of effort is all we’re asking for here.

Once the ego gets the ball rolling, it’s all downhill from there. The ego will get carried along by the inner forces it activates through the letting-go process.

Abandon the tension and the pleasure will appear. The flexibility of relaxing into what is—even if what is happening at the moment isn’t what we want—will ultimately bring us what we want.

Finding the right approach

First, this is going to give us a good feeling about ourselves. Maturity feels good.

And it puts us in harmony with the cosmic stream that runs through our system. So sooner or later, that thing we want will come. It can’t not come.

Everything, in the end, follows the law of cause and effect. We can count on it.

We can work towards establishing an inner knowledge of this truth: all fulfillment is potentially ours. Our knowing this will make it so.

But we need to know this in a relaxed atmosphere that lets go, so our wishes can come true. The state of “I must have it” is not it.

In that climate, little can materialize. It’s like hostile territory to harmony, which is what’s needed for fulfillment.

Tension and resignation are two sides of the same coin. Look for one, and realize the other is also there. Then consciously reach for the soothing balm of letting go.

It’s just like relaxing into the pleasure of giving up separation. Yet we fight this—not wanting to give up the struggle and frustrating ourselves on the most important level of living.

We are fighting against our own best interest on this.

The more we resist the pull towards union, the more we fear we’ll never get it. And the ensuing tension makes us incapable of hanging out in the frustration caused by our own cross-currents.

Little by little, we need to remove these blocks that tie us up in knots.

Our work is to let go

The destiny of the cosmic pull is to love, in all its various varieties.

It pulls us towards a loving partnership with another person. And it pulls us toward an expression of our God-given sexuality.

It pulls us to integrate all this with our thoughts and ideas, accepting all of life, including ourselves and others.

But love can only grow where there is no fear. So if we fear coming into contact with others, we put up defenses that produce hurt and anger.

Now contact feels like pain. That’s called negative pleasure.

But this is not love. For that, we need to learn to trust the benign nature of life.

We can apply this to so many areas of our lives.

Many of us have a fear of failure, which must be tied, on the reverse side, to a fear of success. Like any happiness, success seems vaguely dangerous. It’s like a minor happiness that we actually fear just as much as a major happiness, like love.

When we fear something, we block it. So then we flip over to fearing not getting it. Then we can’t stand the feeling of emptiness, so we battle against feeling frustrated.

We pitch a fit and demand instant gratification, in essence screaming, “I want to feel good and be happy. But I won’t trust the universe and let go.”

Responds the universe: “We’re on your side, but you make things utterly impossible.”

Don’t forget, the pull is always stronger than our pushback. Eventually, pleasure is going to win.

This whole thing is rigged—in our favor.

There is nothing to fear in getting to know the machinations of our innermost selves.

Running away from this is the real tragedy. The running and hiding is the cause of our pain. There is nothing whatsoever to fear about what we may discover.

The more we uncover, the better equipped we’ll be to establish contact with others, and the more we’ll be able to feel and follow the cosmic pull towards love.

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Read Original Pathwork^® Lecture: #149 Cosmic Pull Toward Union – Frustration