Transference

What it is

Transference is the unconscious habit of reacting to people in the present as though they were someone from our past. Our first experience of this is with our parents, who become identified with the two sides of our main inner split. Later, we transfer those same reactions onto other people.

Why it matters

Until we recognize transference, we don’t experience people as they truly are. We experience them through the filter of our unresolved past. Seeing this pattern helps us move beyond duality and step into reality.

From Bones

~1~

Let’s take a look at this repetitive thing we do regarding our split. For it is hugely underrated, vastly overlooked, and horribly misunderstood.

Psychologists refer to this phenomenon as transference. But it happens everywhere in our life, not with just our therapist. It shows up in all our intense relationships.

In short, we repeat the original traumatic relationship with our parents to the same intensity as what we experienced as children. (Chapter 11)

~2~

We go through life, then, reacting to the person in front of us, not as them but as if they were our parents… Most of the time, we’re doing this with someone who is doing that same thing right back. As a result, we’re constantly bypassing each other…

One thing that can help is if one of the people involved wakes up. We must have enough perspective to realize that the other’s responses are not about us…

We will need to have recognized our own dualistic split and stopped doing our own dance of transference… We need to be the ones to break the cycle. Otherwise, we’ll be dependent on others being healthy and free of duality so that our own transference doesn’t land on us.

We need to be the ones who step into reality. (Chapter 11)

Continue with: Duality • Inner Child • Split